Learning To Let Go
by lvtwilight09
Summary: Today was supposed to be a good day...I wasn't supposed to be at the coroner's office identifying my dead husband. After a devastating loss, can Bella learn to let go and embrace love again, even when it's found in the most unlikely of places?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: So I'm at it again, and am writing another drabble. I have a good portion of this prewritten and will be posting anywhere from two to four chapters a day until this is completed. Banner for this can be found in my FB group (lvtwilight09s lovers) and on my blog: lvtwilight09(dot)blogspot(dot)com**

**Also, unless otherwise stated, all chapters will be told through Bella's POV.**

* * *

><p><strong>February 14, 2012<strong>

Today was supposed to be a good day.

A romantic day.

We were supposed to be going out to a nice dinner and then go dancing.

He was supposed to give me flowers…tulips to be exact, because they were my favorite, and he always got them for me every year.

Tonight was supposed to be the beginning of us trying to grow our family.

We were ready.

We wanted to have a baby, and according to the ovulation test, I was ready.

What better sign could we ask for that it was meant to be than me being ready on what was supposed to be the most romantic night of the year?

Today was Valentine's Day…it wasn't supposed to be like this.

I wasn't supposed to have two police officers showing up at work.

I wasn't supposed to be feeling like I was losing my mind or trapped in a nightmare.

I wasn't supposed to be at the coroner's office, identifying my dead husband's body.


	2. Chapter 2

I'm numb.

I feel like I'm underwater…everything sounds muffled as they try to explain to me what happened.

All I hear are the bits and pieces that manage to break their way through the fog.

You heading to pick me up from work…

You were on you cell phone…calling me to tell me you were on your way.

Distracted as you entered the freeway…

Eighteen-wheeler MAC truck…

T-Bone collision…

It took twenty minutes to get you out of the wreckage…

The EMTs couldn't keep you alive long enough to get to the hospital…

You coded and died on the way…

You cried out for me…with your dying breath you were crying out for me…


	3. Chapter 3

I stand there, staring at you, willing you to wake up, to let me see those gorgeous eyes of yours again.

All I want is to hear your voice again.

For you to hold me again.

To kiss me, to tell me you love me.

To have the chance to tell you how much I love you.

Did I tell you that this morning before you left for work?

Did you know how much you mean to me?

How only you have ever held my heart?

We've been together since we were eighteen…

Engaged at twenty one…

Married at twenty two…

And now…now I'm a widow at twenty seven.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who is reading, reviewing, and rec'ing this story. I'm sorry I'm complete fail with replying to reviews. I read each and every one, and appreciate them more than I could ever say.**

* * *

><p>"You shouldn't be here," I whisper to you, and as soon as I start speaking, it's as if I've opened up the flood gates.<p>

"We're supposed to be starting a family together..."

"You're twenty seven, you're perfectly healthy…you shouldn't be lying on some cold metal slab."

But looking at you, your face mottled, bloodied, and bruised almost to the point of being unrecognizable and I know there was no way you would have made it.

The coroner wouldn't let me see your full body…said it was better to only see your face…to think of you how you used to be.

I'm dying to reach out and touch you…to caress your face one more time, but I know it's not allowed.

"Bella…" I hear, and the voice instantly makes my heart stop because it sounds just like yours.

I turn around and my heart sinks.

The two of you always sounded exactly alike.

But he isn't you.

Your eyes are a sparkling sapphire while his are a dazzling emerald green.

"Edward," I manage to choke out, before collapsing and sobbing in your twin brother's arms, his name the only thing I can manage to say as he leads me away from you.


	5. Chapter 5

"NO! I can't leave him! Evan needs me…he…he shouldn't be all alone in there. It's not right." I start to shout.

"Bella please, you've been in there for over two hours with him, the coroner needs to be able to do his job and Evan, he's…he's gone honey, and he isn't coming back," Edward tells me, his voice breaking as he tells me that Evan really is gone.

"I…I…" I start to say, not really sure what I want to say as Edward leads me outside of the coroner's office and into his car.

I try to avoid looking at Edward though because he looks just like you…you are identical twins after all…except for your eyes. It was the only way anyone could ever tell you two apart.

My mind starts reeling with everything that needs to be done as Edward drives us who knows where.

It's only when I notice that the car has stopped that I look up and see that we're at your parents' house, and by the crowded look of the driveway…so is everyone else.

I don't know if I can do this.

If I go in there…if I see them all feeling the same pain as me…it'll mean accepting that you're really gone.


	6. Chapter 6

I don't move from the car.

I just sit there waiting…hoping that at any moment my alarm clock will go off and wake me up, proving that this is all just a bad dream.

I hear rather than see the door on my side open up as Edward reaches in and picks me up to carry me inside.

I only realize I'm crying as I see the tears fall and stain his shirt.

His arms wrap around me and hold me tight as he carries me up the stairs and inside, and all I can think of is that this feels wrong…you two may be identical but his arms just don't feel right…they aren't yours…they aren't home.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So...this might be the last chapter for today...it all depends on if FF stops being a big pain in the butt. It's been acting up lately, so unless it starts cooperating more, I won't be posting more after this until tomorrow. **


	7. Chapter 7

Once we're inside, I glance at everyone and see emotions which match my own written across their faces...

Carlisle looks as though he's lost in a daze as he has his arms wrapped around your mother, trying to keep her from completely falling apart.

Rosalie is sitting in your brother Emmett's lap, gently stroking his hair as he just stares at a picture of the two of you, a tear falling down his cheek.

And your sister Alice…she's utterly inconsolable despite Jasper's efforts to calm her down.

Edward leads me to the couch and sits down next to me, but it doesn't feel right.

It's like there's a gaping hole in my chest…a huge void that has been thrust into the center of my life.

It's the fact that you're not here…none of us seem to know how to quite process it.

And so I voice the one question that I know is on all of our minds and ask…

"So what are we supposed to do now…"


	8. Chapter 8

The word funeral is mentioned and I hate having to hear it.

I'm too young to have to be planning something like this for you.

We were supposed to grow old together.

But now I'm faced with having to make all these decisions, having to answer all these questions that I don't have the answers to.

Where are we holding the wake…

Will the funeral be at our church…

Am I going to bury you or have you cremated…

We never talked about all of these things.

We thought we had all the time in the world.

I don't know how to handle this.

Edward offers to help me through it all, but I snap and yell at him.

I apologize later though…it's just so hard.

He's like a living, breathing reminder of what we've all lost today.

And I can see how hard it is for him.

His once happy eyes that are now dull and vacant.

The way he avoids looking in the mirrors around the house.

The way his heart breaks a little more because he sees the look in our eyes when we mistakenly think, even for the briefest of moments that he's you…


	9. Chapter 9

Tired of the silence that has fallen over us all, I turn the TV on.

The evening news is playing, and I instantly wish I had turned on anything else.

They're showing footage of the accident.

I can see your car, mangled and crumpled.

They show the firemen using the jaws of life to free you from inside, your crushed and bloody hand flopping limply at your side.

I don't know how, but they've gotten a picture of you, and display it with your name and age on the screen as they list you as the sole victim of the crash after talking about how the truck driver walked away with minor scrapes and bruises.

Those four words…minor scrapes and bruises, echo in my head long after Emmett turns the TV back off and I can't help but think of how unfair life is.

Why should that driver get to walk away when you didn't?

Why couldn't it be him lying in the morgue right now instead of you?


	10. Chapter 10

Shortly after the news broadcast ends the phones start ringing.

People calling to say they're sorry for our loss.

It's then I realize I can't go home tonight.

Not back to our house…not alone anyway.

You're mother must be able to tell what I'm thinking because she offers for all of us to stay here.

We all agree.

I don't think any of us are ready to be alone just yet.

And that's when it hits me…you're gone, and now I'm all alone.


	11. Chapter 11

After a restless night, morning comes.

You're family rallies around me to help support me as I say that I'm going to make arrangements for you today since the medical examiner said you'd be ready for release tomorrow.

Edward comes with me to the church, the funeral parlor, and the florist to make arrangements while Alice and Rose head over to our house to pick out some things for me to choose from for you to wear, and to get some pictures that we'll display at the wake.

Carlisle and Esme take care of having your obituary written up while Jasper and Emmett make all the phone calls to let close friends and family know about the arrangements.

At the end of the day, everything is planned, and I'm going back to our…my home.

It's eerily quiet, and I can still smell you in the air.

I want to call out to you, let you know that I'm home, but I know you're not here to answer…I'll never hear you say 'Hi Angel' ever again.

I walk into our room, but your presence is overwhelming and everywhere I look.

I stay long enough to put on my pajamas before I grab my pillows and a blanket and curl up on the sofa in the living room, dreading the next few days to come as I drift off to sleep.


	12. Chapter 12

Edward is knocking on my door bright and early the next morning.

He has breakfast from the nearby café in his hands.

He says he's here to take care of me…that you would have wanted him to make sure I was okay.

I think he needs me too right now.

Your parents have each other, Emmett has Rosalie, and Alice has Jasper…but Edward…he's all alone just like I am, I think we need to lean on each other to get through this.

If I don't lean on him, I don't think I can get through this alone.

We sit, quietly eating breakfast as we look through old pictures of you.

But then the phone rings…and I don't want to deal with people telling me they're sorry for my loss.

I don't want to hear their words because words won't bring you back or make the pain go away.

But it's not a condolence call…it's the funeral home, and what they have to say makes me break down all over again.


	13. Chapter 13

"Too much damage," the funeral director explains.

He goes on to explain how they've tried to do everything they possibly could to make you look like you…make you look like you did in the picture I gave them, but they've exhausted all their options.

"Closed casket," they suggest, they say it's for the best, and ask me to choose a picture of you that I would like to be placed atop your coffin for the wake.

I don't know how to process this.

I was just starting to accept the reality that you were gone, that you would never come walking through our front door again.

I was taking solace in getting that last goodbye with you, one final chance to see you and tell you I love you, and now I feel like a part of that has been snatched away.

I break down sobbing…again…and Edward holds me as I cry, promising that he and everyone else will help me get through all of this.


	14. Chapter 14

I finally calm down enough to sort through some of our pictures.

I find one of you that I took when we went on vacation last year to Bermuda.

You look so happy there…it was one of our happiest times together.

Edward offers to go get it enlarged and framed and drop it off at the funeral home.

I'm grateful for that because I don't think I can handle doing anything today.

As soon as he leaves, I head into our room.

I stare at your side of the bed.

You should be here with me, hogging the covers like you usually do.

But you're not.

So I crawl into bed alone, trying to ignore the fact that this is how it will be from now on.

I pull your pillow to me and hug it tightly, pretending it's you.

It's only when I inhale and smell your scent on it that I really start to lose it and cry myself to sleep.


	15. Chapter 15

"Bella? Bella, you need to wake up. You need to eat something."

You're voice jolts me awake, has me thinking everything I've been through has been just a horrible dream.

"Evan? Oh God Evan, I've had the most horrible nightmare," I sob as I launch into your arms.

"Bella…look at me…its Edward," he says, causing me to look up.

And that's when I see it…green, not blue…and reality quickly sets in again.

I blubber through an apology.

Edward tells me he understands, and that everything has been settled with the photograph for the wake.

He tells me he's made me lunch, and that I should eat and take a shower, that it'll help me feel a bit better.

He walks out of the room before I get a chance to respond…to tell him there isn't anything that can make this better except for you walking through the front door, alive and well.


	16. Chapter 16

I spend the next day and a half in the same way.

I stay in bed, your pillow pulled tight against me in one hand, our wedding photo held firmly in the other.

I only get out of bed when Edward or some other family member forces me to eat.

I'm hoping that if I just stay in bed, I can pretend that I haven't lost you.

But the world doesn't work that way, and two days after I receive the most devastating news in my life, Alice is helping me to dress for your wake and funeral.

My hair is up in a French twist, and I'm wearing the black dress…you know, the one with the rhinestones on the left shoulder…you always said it was your favorite.

I thought you'd like it if I wore it today.

I feel like I'm on autopilot.

Your family seems to understand, they all seem to be functioning much the same as me.

Rosalie has already gotten everything ready for after the graveside service when everyone is supposed to come back here.

I haven't spoken to anyone outside of your family or my parents since all of this started.

I don't know if I'm ready to…talking to them, hearing them offer condolences…it makes it real.

I don't want any of this to be real.


	17. Chapter 17

Walking into the funeral home is surreal.

We're led into the room where they've placed you.

There are so many flowers…from your coworkers and mine, from friends and family alike.

You're so loved by so many.

Did you know how important you are to everyone…to me?

I see your casket at the front of the room, your picture placed atop of it.

It takes everything in me not to wrench the lid open and pull you into my arms.

I want to be able to hug you, to kiss you.

To just be close to you one more time.

I'll never get that chance.


	18. Chapter 18

People start to filter in and pay their respects.

Many look at me with sad eyes full of pity.

Some look at me with some sort of thankfulness that it's me sitting here and not them.

I can't blame them…I'd probably be doing the same if the situation was different.

And then he walks in…

He's dressed in black pants, a white shirt, and a black tie.

His face is slightly bruised and has a few scrapes, and from that alone I know instantly who he is.

"Mrs. Cullen," he says. "I'm Jacob Black. I just wanted to say how sor…"

"Don't you say another word to me," I hiss, cutting him off. "You killed my husband. You're the reason he's inside that box right now and you have the nerve to come here today? Get the hell out of here right now and let me grieve in peace."

He opens his mouth again to say something but as Edward and Emmett step up to stand beside me, he thinks better of it and with a defeated look on his face, leaves the room.

As soon as he leaves, I break down again…crying over my blaming him for taking you away, my frustration with myself for yelling at a man who probably already felt bad enough, and my anger at you for not being more careful and putting us in this whole situation to begin with.


	19. Chapter 19

The rest of the wake goes smoothly.

Someone from your family is always by my side.

It helps.

They're all great at knowing when I need a change in conversation.

Like when people come up and start telling me their favorite memories of you.

It's too much to hear them.

Maybe someday I can look back on memories of you and smile, but not now.

Right now all I can think of is how we'll never again be able to make new memories of our own.

The funeral director steps in and announces that it's time for everyone to head over to the church for the funeral.

Father Newton walks in front of you and says a small prayer and offers a blessing before everyone is to say their final goodbyes.

Eventually even your family leaves the room, and it's just you and me, and now I have to figure out how to say goodbye.


	20. Chapter 20

I'm not quite sure how I'm supposed to do this.

For a moment I just sit, staring at your casket, wondering how someone with so much vitality and life could be contained within a box of wood and metal.

My hand fingers your wedding ring which I wear on a chain around my neck.

I know I probably should have let you wear it, let you take it with you…but I just couldn't let it go.

Wearing it makes me feel like I can keep you with me, like I won't have to totally let you go.

Walking over to you, my hand traces along your face in the photograph before trailing along the top of the casket as I struggle for the words I wish to say.

"How did we end up here?" I ask you. "We were supposed to start our family. I still had so much that I had wanted us to do together. We were supposed to have so much more time. I don't know what I'm supposed to do now…you're the only one I've ever loved. You're my everything…I love you…so much baby…"

By now my tears are starting to turn into sobs and I know the day isn't nearly over yet, so after placing a kiss atop your casket, I head out to the limo where the rest of the family is waiting.


	21. Chapter 21

Your funeral mass is one of the hardest things for me to get through.

Emmett has to help me stand and kneel at all the appropriate times, and when it's time for Communion he practically has to carry me up to receive.

He, Edward and Alice all give your eulogy.

They had asked me at first if I wanted to speak, but I knew I couldn't.

They said so many things wonderful things about you.

Did you know how proud they were of you?

How lucky they feel to get to call you their brother?

Do you know how special being your wife makes me feel?

Did I do enough to make you feel special too?

All too quickly the mass is over, and now comes the part I'm dreading…the final goodbyes at the gravesite.


	22. Chapter 22

The graveside service is hard.

I want to crawl into the ground with you as I watch them lower you down.

You don't belong there.

You belong with me.

Being back at the house with everyone is even more difficult.

Not your family…they don't make it difficult, they are more of a help than I ever could have asked for, and I'm still unsure of where they've drawn their strength from.

It's everyone else.

Still looking at me with pity, still tiptoeing around me like I'm some stupid, fragile porcelain doll.

I just want them to treat me like things are normal.

I know I can't have everything back the way it used to be, but I need normal…or whatever normal is now.


	23. Chapter 23

After the last of the guests leave, everyone helps me clean it all up.

Your family…our family seemingly already knows what I need without me ever having to ask.

They give me the normality I'm craving.

We don't talk much about the service; none of us are ready for that yet.

But we're all together right now, which we need.

Everyone stays with me tonight too, and in the morning we make a big family breakfast like we usually do on Sunday's after church.

We all are relaxed for the first time in what feels like forever.

We finally share a few laughs over something stupid…until Emmett mentions how you would have probably pissed yourself laughing if you were here…that's when ache your absence causes settles back within each of us.


	24. Chapter 24

These past few weeks have been full of ups and downs.

My parents, yours, and your siblings take turns staying with me as I adjust to you not being here.

Edward still comes by every day…I guess that's the perk of him running his own company and being his own boss.

I think he and I have bonded over losing you. Everyone else had their spouse to lean on, but Edward and I…sure we had the support of the family, but it just seems as though we're the only two who can comprehend the other's pain.

My days have finally started getting better…I can look at pictures of you without crying now, I can think about you without wanting to lock myself away in my room for hours on end.

But tonight…tonight is hard.

It's the first night that I will be completely alone.

Suddenly it's all too quiet in this house.

Suddenly this house feels far too big for just one person, despite how many memories it holds…like the paint fight we had when we decorated the living room, or the last time we made love on the kitchen counter…

I haven't boxed away any of your things yet.

I can't bear to just hide away the reminders that you were here.

I miss you too much…especially now that I'm having to learn to live alone.

So I wrap myself in your clothes every night to help me lull myself to sleep…it's the only thing that seems to comfort me…aside from when your brother comes to visit…


	25. Chapter 25

A man named Ben came to visit today.

He was an insurance agent.

Said he was here about your life insurance policy.

Why didn't you ever tell me about it?

You always told me that you would always take care of me.

Even in death you've kept that promise.

"The policy had a one million dollar benefit," Ben said. "It doubles in cases of accidental death."

I'm not sure how to process this…it's so much money and I'm listed as the sole beneficiary.

Ben told me you met with him and set things up a year ago…right around when we started to seriously talk about having children.

He told me you wanted to have something in place that would take care of your family.

Neither of us ever thought that your family would only ever be me…we always thought we'd be surrounded by the pitter-patter of tiny little feet…that we'd grow old surrounded by children and grandchildren.

I called Edward after Ben left.

He's going to help set me up with some sort of financial advisor so the money is invested properly.

You'd be so proud of your brother.

He's like you…he's a good man.


	26. Chapter 26

I started going back to work today.

It was strange being back there.

Especially after being gone for two months.

The bosses were understanding about me needing the time, and wouldn't even let me use my sick or vacation time.

It's almost surreal really being out in public every day.

I keep expecting people to be able to tell I'm a widow just by looking at me, like I have some sort of label on my forehead or something.

But they don't, they act normal towards me, and it's nice…but it's hard at the same time too.

Angela invited me to Eric's birthday dinner next week.

I said I'd go, but I'm probably going to come up with some sort of an excuse.

She's my best friend, but I don't think I could handle seeing her and her husband celebrate his birthday…not when I'll never get the chance to celebrate yours with you again.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Thanks again to everyone who's reading and reviewing. I'm planning on posting through chapter 30 today. **


	27. Chapter 27

Life has become routine.

It's been three months since you've left.

I've adjusted to being alone in the house.

I have work to keep me busy.

Slowly but surely I've started going out with friends more.

Edward has become a part of my routine.

I get up, go to work, come home, Edward comes over, we make dinner together, and after he goes home I go to bed.

Everyone thinks I'm doing well and starting the healing process and moving forward…

But I still wear your clothes to sleep.

I still spray them with your cologne to keep them smelling like you…I've even bought a few extra bottles for when I run out.

Your wedding band remains around my neck, lying next to my heart.

I dream of you a lot…you tell me you're okay, that you're sorry for everything, and that you hope I can be happy again.

Sometimes the things you say confuse me though…I'm not quite sure why you always say you're sorry…I've accepted what happened and I know it was just an accident, and sometimes…you confuse me even more because for some strange reason, even though I know it's you in my dreams…your eyes are green and not blue.


	28. Chapter 28

Today was a rough day.

For Edward more than me, even though I was here for the fall out.

I thought Edward was handling losing you pretty well…or as well as could be expected.

He comes over for dinner every night.

I think he doesn't like being alone any more than I do.

So we cook and keep each other company.

We talk about our day…sometimes we talk about you…we usually always end up talking about you.

It helps.

But something was off today.

He was quiet throughout dinner.

And afterwards, as we sipped our coffee in the living room…he finally lost it.

Your old friend from college…Garrett…he ran into Edward today and mistook him for you. When he realized the mistake, he asked Edward how you were doing…he'd been out of the country for a while and hadn't heard about your accident.

I guess having to rehash it all made Edward realize that you were truly gone, that you weren't coming back.

He finally broke down today and cried for hours in my arms…today was my turn to be strong for him, like he's been for me since the day of the accident.

I cried with him, not only because how much it hurts to not have you here, but because I see and know just how much pain Edward's in and I just want to see him happy.


	29. Chapter 29

Today's a big day for me.

It's been almost four months now, and I think it's time to do this.

I hope it doesn't make you upset, but it's time to box up some of your things.

Not any of your important stuff, I promise.

But your clothes…your sports equipment…there are other people who could use them too.

I've kept a few of your shirts, and my favorite pair of your sweats.

Your parents, Edward, Em, and Alice have all come to help and to take the things they wanted to keep as well.

Halfway through, the phone rings.

It's the hospital…and what they say confuses me.

I'm listed as next of kin and they need me to come down right away.

The only person I could think of is Angela…she's an only child and since Eric travels a lot for work, she keeps me listed as an emergency contact.

My heart sinks as I immediately remember the last time someone told me about being listed as next of kin…it brings back all the memories of the day I lost you.

I explain to everyone what happened, and Edward offers to drive me, while everyone else offers to finish up packing up the stuff we're planning on donating.

The whole way to the hospital I feel like I can't even breathe.

We make it there quickly, and nervously head inside, not knowing what to expect.


	30. Chapter 30

I feel like I'm walking through cement as I approach the information desk.

I give them my name, and tell them I was asked to come down because I was listed as next of kin.

I have to ask the woman behind the counter to repeat herself when she tells me to head up to the maternity ward.

Edward looks as confused as me, and double checks the visitor's passes that we're given to wear.

The silence as we ride the elevator to the third floor is stifling.

The bell dings, the doors open, and we head to the nurses station.

After explaining why we are there, we are shown to a waiting room where we are told someone will be in with us shortly.

A few minutes later, a doctor and a social worker come in and give me news that once again flips my world upside down.


	31. Chapter 31

It's like I'm hearing about your accident all over again…everything is muffled and only bits and pieces are coming through.

Baby girl…

Mother named you as the father…

Letter explaining everything left in the mother's room along with legal papers naming me the child's guardian…

I try to explain to them that they must be mistaken or that someone is playing a sick joke on me…that it's not possible for you to have a child because you were married to me…that you're gone.

They double check that you were my husband..offering me your full name and your date of birth as confirmation.

When all the information matches up, they explain that there has been no mistake.

They offer me the letter to read, show me the guardianship papers, and offer me some time to absorb everything before they bring me to see the baby.

And just like that…after setting off a clusterfuck of a grenade in my life, they leave me with Edward in the room, the both of us utterly dazed and confused.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: We'll get some answers about why Bella's at the hospital today. I plan to post through chapter 35 today.**


	32. Chapter 32

"Bella…" Edward whispers. "I think we should see what that letter has to say."

I can't speak to formulate a response, so I nod and open the letter with shaky hands…

_Dear Isabella,_

_You don't know me, but I knew Evan very well._

_He and I were together for almost a year when he died._

_He spoke of you often._

_I had always hoped that he would one day be mine and mine alone, but he loved you too much to ever let you go…even when he found out I was pregnant._

_I thought having his baby would make him want to stay with me…it didn't._

_The day he died, he was on his way to you…but he was also leaving me. _

_He ended things with me that day, had said that even though he would always love them, that he would sign over his rights to our baby the day they were born._

_He ended things because he said his life, his heart, and the family he wanted to have was with you._

_I'm in no position to care for a child. I have no family to help and can hardly support myself, so I've done what I thought was best and left the child to you._

_I'm sure there are many questions you may have, and I will answer them all for you whenever you choose to ask…I owe you at least that much. _

_My number is 702-555-0917. _

_Sincerely,_

_Charlotte Martin_

My tears are staining the paper the letter is written on as my sobs echo off the walls and questions swirl through my mind.

I don't know how to process this.

I don't even know if I ever really knew you now that I've read this.

All I know is that I don't know how much more I can take, so I do the only thing I can think of in this moment…I scream.


	33. Chapter 33

Edward holds me as I sob.

I don't understand what's happening.

We were happy weren't we?

We had nine years together…I thought we had a good life together.

We had so many good memories…but now I feel like they're all tarnished…tainted.

Do I even know who you are anymore?

Were there others?

Do I have to worry about getting tested now?

Didn't I give you everything you needed?

Did I do something to send you into another woman's arms?

What happened to us?

You were with her for a year…you were with her the day you died…the day we were supposed to be trying to start our family, and yet here you have one already.

You knew how badly I wanted us to have a family…you said you wanted that too…did you just lie to me to pacify me?

Were you ever going to tell me?

I think I had a right to know…if you weren't happy you should have told me…it would have hurt me terribly, but I would have let you go.

All I ever wanted was for us to be happy together…why couldn't that be enough?


	34. Chapter 34

"What am I supposed to do now that I know all this?" I ask Edward.

He shakes his head as he looks over the guardianship papers.

"I don't know Bella. This paperwork is all in order, so it looks like you're this baby's guardian. I guess you have two options…either take the baby or turn the baby over as a ward of the state."

You've left me in such a difficult position.

I hate the idea of any child being given up when there is someone who could care for them, but how can you expect me to care for the evidence of your infidelity.

She's living, breathing proof of the fact that you compromised everything we promised each other, and now I'm supposed to accept her as my responsibility.

I know they won't let me bring the baby home tonight…I don't have a car seat or anything at home to care for a child…I need answers, which means I need to go and see this Charlotte woman, no matter how much it's going to hurt.

I need to try to understand why.

"You don't have to decide right this very second Bella, but you will have to decide soon." Edward tells me.

"I know. I just want to make the decision that's right for me, for that baby, for the family. I need some answers first, and I need to talk with the rest of the family too…I just…this is a lot to process right now."

Edward just nods as he tells me he's confident I'll make the best decision for everyone involved.

The doctor comes back in shortly after that and asks if I'm ready…to see the baby…to see _your_ child…to see the evidence of what you've done.

I nod and follow him out towards the nursery, even though I'm not ready…how could I ever be ready for something like this.


	35. Chapter 35

**A/N: Pictures for this chapter are on my blog: lvtwilight09fanfiction(dot)blogspot(dot)com**

* * *

><p>The walk to the nursery is both short and silent.<p>

I suspect the doctor understands just how fucked this situation really is.

Was I that blind that I never noticed the signs?

Or were you just that good a con artist that you were able to keep your deception hidden?

As we walk inside the nursery I can't help but feel a pang of loss…so much has been taken away from me…my chance at a family of my own; my faith in you, in us…in myself.

We were supposed to experience this together…the two of us walking in here to see _our_ child and bring them home.

As the doctor leads us to where your baby is, I can't help but wonder what she will look like.

Will she look like you?

Will she look like her mother?

Will I be able to even tolerate being in the same room as this child, as innocent as she may be, because of what she represents?

"Here she is," the doctor whispers as he picks her up and hands her to me.

I take her in my arms, and instantly I know…that while there is still so much to sort out, so many questions that need answering and decisions that need to be made…one look into her eyes tells me everything…she's perfect.


	36. Chapter 36

"Edward," I softly say as I rock the baby in my arms. "I…I just can't leave her…I know what she represents but…she's so small, and her mother clearly doesn't want her. She's too small to have no one want her…"

I look up at Edward, and I can see by his expression that he understands that no matter how this baby came to be, no matter what she represents, she's still a piece of Evan, still a part of this family.

Instantly I'm angry at you.

You were just going to walk away from her, leave her without a father.

It seems you're not the man I thought I knew and married in more ways than one…that's something I'm definitely going to need to process and work through.

"Her mother named her before…before she left" the doctor tells us as he points to the name on the baby's bed. "She said her name was Evangeline, after her father."

I can already tell she's yours by traces of copper hair atop her head, I can already see the similarities between you both, and I would bet my life on the fact that her eyes will be blue, but I still can't stop the words from coming out of my mouth.

"Can we have a DNA test done?" I ask, as both Edward and the doctor stare at me. "I mean…I'm pretty sure this Charlotte person was telling the truth but…I just need to know, need to be sure."

The doctor tells me he understands.

Edward looks relieved that I ask. I think it's because he wanted to be sure too and didn't want or know how to bring the subject up.

The doctor tells me we need to bring either your toothbrush or hairbrush for testing, and if we don't have that, then we need a family member to compare against for testing.

"I'm his twin," Edward says. "You can use me. Do it now."

I'm more grateful than ever that Edward is here with me, that we're getting this done now.

We head into an exam room to have the test done, told we'd know in a few days what the results say.

We leave Evangeline in the nursery…she can't come home yet…not without us at least having a car seat for her, and already I dislike the thought of leaving her all alone.

Edward wraps his arm around me as we leave…it's comforting, helps me feel not so alone, and helps me keep my anger towards you at bay for the moment.

Once we're in the car, we settle into a comfortable silence as we both process what we've just gone through.

"Hell of a day, huh?" Edward asks.

"Yeah," I reply. "Now…how the hell are we telling everyone they're about to be grandparents, uncles, and aunts?"

The question is a reality check for us both…a reality check about how _your_ choices have put us in such a precarious situation.

I can see Edward's anger in his eyes and I imagine his expression is a reflection of my own…

A reflection of our anger at you…anger over your selfishness, your deceit, and your utter disregard for the feelings of everyone who supposedly mattered to you.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I'll be posting through chapter 40 today. **


	37. Chapter 37

**A/N: Pictures of Bella's house are up on the blog: lvtwilight09fanfiction(dot)blogsgpot(dot)com**

* * *

><p>We pull into the driveway at the house, and I just stare.<p>

This house held all of our memories of our life together.

We chose this house together, wanting it because it seemed like the perfect place for us to build a family together.

How much of our life together was a lie?

How many of our memories were just part of a façade?

Walking inside, everyone is still there.

Esme is in the kitchen with Rose making dinner.

Jasper and Alice are organizing the boxes of your things that will be brought to Goodwill tomorrow.

Carlisle and Emmett are in the living room watching some game on ESPN.

As soon as we walk inside though, everyone stops what they're doing and looks our way, waiting expectantly for me to explain what happened today.

I look to Edward, who once again has his arm around me, and he holds me closer to him, offering me what support he can as I try to find a way to explain this to everyone.

I figure I might as well just tell everyone what you've done. Just get it out there and let the explanation develop from there.

"Well," I say with a heavy sigh. "Evan had a daughter."

The room is silent, except for the shattering of glass as Esme sobs and drops the plates she was holding.

Everyone looks confused, and understandably so.

I look at each of their faces as the understanding and hurt seep in, and I have to remind myself to keep my anger at you under control. At least for now…while I have to help your family understand what's going on…while I have to make sure that I clean up _your_ mess.


	38. Chapter 38

"What the hell are you talking about Bella?" Alice asks. "Is this your way of saying you're pregnant or something?"

I can see the pleading in her eyes…the way she's willing me not to confirm what she has already figured out about you.

"No Alice. I mean, that right now, Evan's newborn baby girl is in the nursery at the hospital. She was born two days ago. That's why I got called to the hospital…"

I explain everything to your family; they don't take the news well at all, especially Emmett.

"He's lucky he's dead right now because if he wasn't…I swear I'd kill him," Emmett growls.

"Emmett!" shouts Carlisle. "That's no way to speak about your brother."

"No Dad…I mean it. You and mom raised us better than that. You always taught us to be honest and respectful. Evan threw that right out the window…with Bella, with us. He created a mess and walked away and has left it for us to figure out how to clean it up. How is that fair for any of us?" The last few words come out strangled as Emmett tries to keep from crying.

Are you happy now?

Do you see the pain you've caused us all?

We were finally healing and moving on from losing you and now we have to deal with this…

"So Bella," says Esme softly. "Are…are you keeping her?"

And regardless of the situation, I can see the bit of hope in Esme's eyes.

That despite this entirely fucked up situation, despite all of the anger and betrayal and hurt that we are all feeling, we all still love you and are willing to learn how to get through this, learn how to let go of it all if it means getting a piece of you back with us.


	39. Chapter 39

"I won't abandon her..." I say, leaving the rest unsaid, when I really want to say that I won't abandon her like you did.

Everyone visibly relaxes when I say I plan to keep her.

I know a lot of people won't understand my reasoning…won't be able to accept that I can take this child as my own.

But the fact remains that despite the way she came about…despite all of the other emotions swirling around and dominating my heart and mind right now, deep down I still love you. It doesn't mean I forgive you for what you've done, but I would like to think that if I had found out about all of this sooner, that we would have found a way to work through it and move on.

"There's still a lot I need to take care of," I say. "I mean, this house is in no way ready for a baby to be living here, and…well…I want…I need answers about all of this. I need to give this Charlotte woman a call, maybe meet her and just…just find out how all of this happened."

"They're already running a DNA test to be sure," Edward chimes in. "I gave a blood sample for them to use. We'll know the results in a few days."

No one really says much after that.


	40. Chapter 40

I call my parents in the morning and let them know what's going on.

Their reaction is that they are coming to stay with me for a few days.

When they get here though, things don't go as I expect.

They don't think I should keep the baby…they tell me she isn't my responsibility, that she was yours and Charlotte's…that I should just hand her over to your parents and wash my hands of the whole situation.

Handing her over to your parents wouldn't erase her from my life though. Your family is my family too. We still attend church and do Sunday dinner together every week; I still have girls' nights with Rose and Alice, and ask the boys to help with things around the house.

They don't understand that she may be my one chance I still have of getting to have a family of my own now because between losing you and dealing with these new revelations about you, I don't know how I could ever move forward to try to find someone else.

They don't understand how I can say that I still have love for you despite knowing what I've found out.

I try to explain it to them but they either just don't see my point of view or don't want to…

Am I hurt, angry, betrayed and pissed off? Of course I am, and I'm trying my best to cope and process all of it without losing my mind.

Have I just forgiven you for what you've done? Most definitely not, and I doubt I will for quite some time.

But the fact remains that you're my husband.

I promised to love, honor, and cherish in sickness and health, good times and bad.

Maybe you chose not to honor our vows, but I took them seriously.

Mom says I'm clinging to my idea that we had a perfect marriage.

I know we didn't…we had our fights…no marriage is perfect, but I think ours was pretty good.

Mom thinks I'm taking on too much.

Dad thinks I'm just being foolish.

Your family has all said they're here to support me however I need them to.

And as for me…at this point I don't care what anyone thinks about my choices. You've made yours. And now based on the choices you've made, I need to try and make the best ones for me.


	41. Chapter 41

The DNA test came back and just as I suspected, it proved you were the father. I cried for about an hour after I got the results, before trying to kick myself into gear because I needed to get things ready for bringing the baby home.

I arranged maternity leave with work, even if this was an unusual way of becoming a new mother.

Edward contacted the financial advisor he set me up with to handle the money with your life insurance so that I could have some of it set aside for a college fund and for Evangeline's future.

The past two days your dad, Jasper, Emmett and Edward have kept me locked out of the room that will be her nursery.

They said they wanted to decorate it for me and wanted it to be a surprise.

Rose, Alice and your mom have been shopping with me to get the things I need…clothes, a car seat, a stroller…everything and anything you could think of that you would need for a baby.

I'm nervous sitting in the waiting room, waiting for the nurse to come and tell me everything was all ready to go.

Finally all of the release paperwork is signed, and I'm given the okay to leave with her.

Edward offered to come with me today, but I needed to do this on my own.

I fasten her into her car seat, and head home, on high alert the entire time, nervous about all the other drivers on the road.

I can't help it, but I take the long way home, avoiding the freeway…I know all too well what kinds of accidents can happen there.

Everyone is waiting at the house when we arrive, excited to meet their newest family member.

After she's passed around to everyone and some pictures are taken, we head up to the nursery.

Carlisle opens the door, and I'm blown away by the room. The soft pinks and yellows are perfect; it's exactly how I would have wanted the nursery done if I had decorated it myself.

I try to thank everyone but I can't seem to find the words.

Esme leads me over to the crib, and shows me the small stuffed teddy bear that resides inside it.

"I hope you don't mind," she says nervously. "I know how difficult all of this is for you, but it belonged to Evan when he was little, and I…I just thought that it would be nice for her to have a little piece of him."

Her eyes tear up as she finishes talking.

My anger flares and is pushing me to tell her it isn't okay, but I reign it in…no matter what my feelings towards you are, I won't deny your daughter the chance to know you through your family…it wouldn't be fair to her.

"It's fine Esme," I quietly reply, offering her a small smile.

"Thank you," she tells me as she offers me a hug, and I know…the thank you is for more than just the teddy bear. It's for making sure she has a chance to know and love her grandchild.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Pictures of the nursery are up on the blog: lvtwilight09fanfiction(dot)blogspot(dot)com**


	42. Chapter 42

It's a big adjustment now that Evangeline is here.

Rose and Alice have tried to help out when they can, each of them coming over so they can watch the baby and let me just have time for myself.

It helps a lot…the time alone lets me sort through everything in my head and try to figure things out.

Like what I'm going to say to Charlotte.

I haven't called her yet…I'm not sure what to say, but I know I need to...I need her to tell me about you and her.

I carry her phone number with me everywhere, hoping I have the strength to dial it.

Edward keeps telling me I should just call her and get it over with, so that way I can start working on moving past it.

Maybe he's right.

Maybe I should just get it over with.

Today would be a good day…Esme is watching Evangeline until tonight.

I pull her number out of my wallet, grab my phone, and dial the number…


	43. Chapter 43

RING

RING

RING

RING

"Hello?" a quiet, raspy voice answers.

"Is…is this Charlotte…Charlotte Martin?" I ask.

"Yes…"

"This is Bella Cullen."

"Oh," Charlotte replies.

There's silence for a moment. I don't think either of us know exactly what to say.

"I uh…suppose you want to talk about Evan?" she asks finally.

"Yes, well…your letter said I should call if I had questions. Would you be able to meet somewhere today?"

"Can I give you my address and you meet me here?"

My heart drops into my stomach.

Can I do that?

Can I meet her where the two of you were together…where you threw our vows out the window?

"Um…"

"He never came here…I moved out of there shortly after…shortly after he died."

"Oh, um…okay. What's the address?"

After getting the address, I realize how unsure that I'll be able to handle seeing this woman on my own, so I dial one other number, the number of the one person I've been able to always depend on since this whole shitstorm started.

RING

RING

"Edward? I need to ask you a favor…"


	44. Chapter 44

After I explain to Edward what's going on, he agrees to meet me at a coffee shop before heading over to Charlotte's.

The two of us are quiet for a while as we sit and sip our drinks.

Finally we start talking about what I'm hoping to get out of meeting Charlotte.

Edward's worried that meeting her will upset me more than it will help me.

He's worried about making sure I don't go through unnecessary pain…tells me I've had more than enough to last a lifetime and that it's time I start worrying about me and finding my way back to happiness.

Your brother is a good man, as good if not better than the man I once thought you were.

He helps me make out a list of all the questions I want answers to.

It may be silly to make the list, but I'm too afraid of not being able to remember them all.

After a while we realize it's almost time to meet Charlotte, and so we head out, Edward offering me his hand to hold, offering me his strength when I feel I have hardly any of my own left.


	45. Chapter 45

The ride to Charlotte's place is quiet and tense.

I think Edward can sense I just need the quiet, and he lets me be.

I feel like my emotions are all over the place, and to be honest, I keep chanting 'I will not bitchslap a ho' in my head for most of the ride.

As we continue to drive, I can tell we're entering an area of town that isn't so great.

There are more police cars patrolling the area, and a lot of the buildings and houses all have bars on the windows.

I'm even more glad now that I asked Edward to come with me. I wouldn't have been comfortable coming here on my own.

We reach Charlotte's building and I cringe a little when I see how rundown it looks.

Again, Edward takes my hand and leads me towards the door.

We enter and climb three flights of stairs before we reach apartment 3C.

I knock on the door, and take a deep breath, hoping that I've got enough strength left to make it through this.

Waiting for the door to open, I try to mentally prepare myself for whoever is on the other side of it.

Is she prettier than me?

Did she have a better body?

But when the door opens and I see the person standing on the other side of it…I realize there isn't anything could have prepared me for this, and judging by Edward's muttered "Holy fucking shit," and Charlotte's "Well fuck me,"…no one else was either.


	46. Chapter 46

Ever since I found out about your affair, I haven't been able to stop thinking about what she looks like

Whether or not she was prettier than me or skinnier, or had bigger boobs.

Maybe it would have been easier if she had been some tall, skinny, blonde haired, blue eyed woman with Dolly Parton tits.

Because this…what's standing in front of me makes it all that harder to process.

Because the person standing in front of me makes me feel like I'm standing and looking into a mirror.

She looks so much like me it's eerie, but because she does it hurts all the more.

Makes me wonder what about me wasn't enough.

What was so different about her that you were with her…for a year.

Edward seems utterly flabbergasted by Charlotte's appearance, and from her reaction to seeing me, she is too.

After a few minutes, she invites us inside.

As I walk into her apartment, I can't help but grab onto Edward's hand.

He squeezes mine reassuringly, and I'm instantly glad he came, because I don't think I would have been able to do this alone.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Charlotte's picture is up on my blog: lvtwilight09fanfiction(dot)blogspot(dot)com**

**As a little sidenote as to my choice for Charlotte…I've always thought KStew looked a lot like Kate Moennig (she played Shane in The L Word) and I've always wanted to find a way to work it into a fic, and this seemed like a perfect opportunity…so…let me know what you all think about Charlotte.**


	47. Chapter 47

Walking into Charlotte's apartment, I can see what she meant in her letter when she said she wouldn't be able to care for a child.

It seems like she's barely making it on her own.

Her apartment is a small studio apartment.

Yellow walls, a bed, a used sofa and a well worn table with some chairs are all that grace the space.

There's certainly no room for a child here.

I remember she said she moved here after you walked away from her, and I can't help why she chose a place like this…or what her old place looked like.

She offers Edward and I a place on the sofa and then offers us something to drink.

I politely decline, but when she reaches into her small fridge, I notice how empty it is, as if she can't afford to keep enough food for herself.

She grabs one of the chairs from the table and sits across from Edward and I.

"You look just like him…he told me he had a twin, but I never thought you'd be so identical…except for the eyes," she softly says to Edward.

It's still difficult for him to hear those things, I watch his face as he tries to mask his emotions.

"We're not here to talk about me," Edward tells her.

"No…no, I suppose you aren't," Charlotte says before looking at me. "So…what would you like to know?"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Picture of Charlotte's apartment is up on the blog: lvtwilight09fanfiction(dot)blogspot(dot)com**


	48. Chapter 48

The truth is that there is so much that I want to know…so many questions I need answered, that I don't know where to begin.

"I need to know everything," I tell her. "So why don't you start at the beginning and go from there."

Charlotte nods, and takes a moment, and then she tells me everything…

How she started out as a client of yours.

That she was instantly attracted to you.

How at first you resisted her outright flirting during business lunches, but that after a while you started flirting back.

How one night after a long meeting, you took her out to dinner, which led to drinks…a few too many on both your parts, and eventually the two of you ended up in her bed.

How your business relationship ended when her company went belly up because of the economy.

That the two of you remained friendly, never speaking of that one night until over a month later when you both gave in to temptation again.

She tells me how she fell in love with you, but didn't say anything about it for a while.

How she hoped that you would love her the way she loved you…that you would take care of and provide for her.

How she would convince herself every time you would bring me up that she could get you to leave me.

How she started getting desperate when you told her you were feeling guilty for cheating on me…that things with her shouldn't have happened…that you felt you were weak and stupid for giving in to temptation.

How after that, she knew she was losing you, and how she acted out of desperation in an attempt to keep you.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Don't worry…Charlotte has more to say…but as this is a drabble-ish story, I thought here would be a good breaking point for now. More of Charlotte's explanation will post in a little bit.**


	49. Chapter 49

My mind is reeling from everything Charlotte is telling me, but I try to keep my emotions in check. I don't need this woman to see me cry.

While she's in the bathroom, Edward leans over and asks if I'm okay…if I would prefer to just leave now.

I shake my head no, and tell him that I'd rather get it all done today and be done with her.

I take a deep breath as Charlotte sits back down and continues talking…

She talks about how she tried subtle hints at first…leaving wedding magazines and things around her apartment, but that you would just ignore it.

She tells me how you never worried about protection because she had always said she never wanted children and was on the pill.

Explains how she knew you were planning a family with me, and thought that if she ended up pregnant it would get you to stay, so she stopped taking her birth control.

She cries when she talks about how two months later when she told you she was pregnant, that you flipped out and screamed at her for ruining your life.

She tells me how you never touched her again after that.

Finally, she tells me about Valentine's Day and how you walked away from her for good, and how not long after, with a dwindling bank account and too many memories of you around, she moved out of her apartment to where she is now.

She tells me how she loved the fact that the baby was a part of you, but that she knew she could never be a decent mother or provide the care a child needs…how she wanted the baby to have a loving family, and so she chose me, knowing that even if I couldn't take her, that I could make sure she was cared for by your family.

We're all quiet for a while…I don't think any of us know what to say.

I try to think of anything else I need to ask, or want to know…and the fact remains there are plenty of things I'd love to ask, but she'd never be able to answer because the only person who could answer is you.


	50. Chapter 50

I'm snapped out of my thoughts when I realize Charlotte is asking me something.

"How…how is she? How's Evangeline doing?" she questions nervously.

The minute the question is out there, my hackles are up.

"Excuse me?" I say, trying to keep calm because out of everything…this question is pushing me precariously close to the edge.

"I…I was just wondering about the baby," Charlotte mumbles. I think she's sensing she's crossed a line with this question.

"You don't have the right to wonder about the baby. You fucked my husband. Ignored the fact that he had a wife. Got pregnant just out of desperation, and then when he left you, tossed the baby aside because you couldn't handle it and expected someone else to clean up your mess. You signed away your rights to her. Legally, she is mine, so no…you don't get to ask about her. You don't even get to think about her."

I'm yelling by the time I finish speaking, Edward looks pissed, and Charlotte is crying.

Frankly I couldn't care less about her tears.

All I know is that I need to get out of here and back home before I really lose it.

"Edward," I whisper. "Please…take me home."


	51. Chapter 51

On the way home, Edward called his parents, and told them that Evangeline would be staying the night with them.

I hated not having her home with me, but at the same point…I needed the night to just process everything.

I got all the answers I possibly could from Charlotte, but I'm angry and frustrated beyond belief that I still have so many unanswered ones because of you.

Morning comes quickly and Carlisle and Esme both come to drop off the baby.

I guess Edward explained to them where we went yesterday, because they both asked how I was doing after talking with Charlotte.

I tell them I'm okay, that it'll take time to work through it all.

They ask me what I found out, but I tell them I'd rather wait until everyone is together to talk it over.

We all meet up for dinner that night, and after we eat, I tell them all about what happened with Charlotte.

Emmett and Jasper are angry about what you've done.

Your parents are shocked.

Alice and Rose I think are in a bit of a state of disbelief.

In a way we all are I think…I guess up until now, we all knew what you had done…Evangeline was proof of it, but to finally have contacted the woman, to speak with her, to hear about when and where and how often it happened…makes it all the more real.

Everyone heads home except for Edward.

He can tell how exhausted I am, and Evangeline is being a bit fussy, so he offers to spend the night so I can get some much needed rest.

When we're back home, I can't help but watch him with her.

I can't help but think of what it would have been like if this was you and me…if our marriage had actually been as good as I thought it was…if we had gotten the chance to start a family of our own.

Would our own child look like Eva does?

Would we have had a daughter or a son?

And then reality crashes in and reminds me that our marriage was so far from perfect that it could be a joke, that while Eva is mine she also isn't, and that while I do and always will love you…I absolutely loathe and despise you for what you've done and the situation you've put me in.


	52. Chapter 52

I've developed a new routine now that Eva's been home for a few months.

Get up in the morning and get breakfast for me and Eva ready.

Work from home for a while.

Playtime and story time with Eva.

Nap time…for Eva anyway…usually it's my time to run around like a chicken with no head as I try to clean the house, do laundry, or get some more work done.

By the time Eva wakes up, I'm usually exhausted, but it's also when Edward usually comes over.

He helps during the afternoons now…every day.

I keep telling him he doesn't have to, but he says he wants to…he wants to be here for me, because I shouldn't have to deal with all of this on my own.

So while he handles lunch and the afternoon with Evangeline, I get to finally take a shower, and a nap, and run errands if I have to.

Sometimes your mom or Alice or Rose come over too.

I try not to laugh every time Esme or Alice tries to keep that stupid teddy bear of yours near her.

They won't listen to me when I tell them that she doesn't like it…she always tosses it out of her crib or away from wherever she is.

They don't listen to me about a lot of things…Edward is the only one who really seems to listen to me, to ask about me and my needs and wants and not just the baby's.

Edward thinks I should say something…I'm too afraid to though.

Not because I don't want to hurt their feelings, but because I still have so much of my emotions to work through in regards to you, that I'm afraid I'll take out my anger at you on them.

Edward thinks I should think about seeing a counselor or something to work through it all…or at least open up to him.

He worries because I don't ever speak any of it anymore unless I absolutely have to.

Maybe he's right…maybe I need to talk about it…maybe I need to say something to the rest of the family…because right now, I feel like I'm reaching my limit.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So sorry for the delay in posting, but I was overtaken by two plot bunnies for one shots...one for a contest and one for the Fandom For Preemies compilation. They're both finished now though, so I should be getting back to daily updates again :-)**


	53. Chapter 53

It's days like today when I'm not sure I can handle this alone.

Eva's sick…she's thrown up and she has the runs, and on top of that she's teething.

All night and all day she's been crying nonstop.

My computer crashed so I've lost all my work files.

The washing machine broke down and flooded the laundry room.

And to top it all off I have to get dinner ready because your family is coming over tonight.

I smell like baby vomit and poop, and I have a splitting headache because I barely slept last night.

I know I shouldn't be relying on Edward as much as I have been, but I really need him today more than anything.

I need someone to just let me have a break...or at least twenty minutes of peace so I can shower.

I feel like I'm losing it.

I've tried so hard to keep up the façade that I'm doing okay, even if Edward sees through it.

But now…I can feel the cracks in my mask forming…I feel like any second, everything I've worked so hard to keep together…the small pieces of my life I've managed to reconstruct…are going to come tumbling down all around me.


	54. Chapter 54

Your mom's grated on my last nerve…going on and on how I shouldn't let Eva cry the way she is.

Well...she's been crying all damn day and I need a break, and it won't kill her to cry for just a little while…it'll help her learn how to self soothe.

But Esme just won't let it go…

It's like she can't remember that I am Eva's parent.

Alice and Rose too…always harping about stuff that's hardly even important…like the fact that I look a mess with my shirt that is stained with baby food and lord knows what else.

So sorry that I've been too busy trying to raise a baby, work, and put dinner on the table for everyone to worry about looking like Donna Fucking Reed.

I try to keep myself calm…it doesn't work.

"Will everyone just leave me the fuck alone!" I shout.

"Not a one of you are listening to me….Esme….you need to back the fuck off. I'm Evangeline's goddamn mother. NOT you. Try to remember that and stop telling me how to raise my child."

I'm so far gone that I don't even care about making her cry.

"And you Carlisle….stop idolizing your son. He was an adulterer. He wasn't perfect. Accept it and move the fuck on."

"And you two…" I growl out while looking at Alice and Rose. "There are more important things I need to worry about than not looking like some God forsaken runway model…like the fact that my child is sick, I have piles of work to catch up on, and trying to sort through all the emotional baggage that Evan's death has left me with."

Everyone is just staring at me…no one knows what to say.

"Not a Goddamn one of you has asked me about me. If I'm okay. If I need help. If I'm even really coping with all of this crap. You're all so busy fawning over Evangeline and turning Evan into some sort of martyr that you won't even admit to yourselves just how many mistakes he made, let alone how they've affected me. The only person here who has ever shown any concern for me…for what I might be needing is Edward, and until you all sort out your shit…get the fuck out of my house."

By the end of my rant I'm a sobbing mess crumpled on the floor.

Edward picks me up and carries me to my room and tucks me in bed, murmuring that he's glad that I finally let some of my anger out and that he'll take care of things downstairs for me.

I want to tell him that he doesn't need to, that I should go and apologize, but I don't have the energy and I don't really feel like I owe anyone an apology.

Exhaustion takes me over, and as I drift off to sleep, I can hear the muffled shouts of Edward's voice as he deals with the rest of his family.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Want to know what happens when Edward goes back to deal with his family after Bella's long awaited meltdown? I'll be donating an Edward POV outtake to Fandom 4 Children. As little as $5 will get you a copy of the compilation, which will contain one shots, outtakes, etc from over 60 amazing authors. Go to fandom4chidren(dot)blogspot(dot)com to find out how to donate. **


	55. Chapter 55

I'm not sure just how long I slept, but I know it's late when I wake up.

Glancing at the clock only confirms it…it reads just after noon.

I start freaking out…I've slept way too late and lord knows I should have been up hours ago to take care of Evangeline.

I jump out of bed and run to her nursery, but stop short when I see the scene in front of me.

Edward…sitting in the rocker, with Eva in his arms as he hums her a lullaby.

"How…how long have you been here?" I ask him nervously.

"I stayed over last night…in the guest room. You needed a break, and I was more than happy to help."

I start feeling guilty about leaving him to care for my baby, but he must be able to tell what I'm thinking when he tells me not to feel bad about it, that it's okay to need a break once in a while.

Once he settles Eva into her crib for a nap, we head down to the kitchen where he makes us both some lunch.

I can't help but enjoy having him here.

The house doesn't seem so lonely, and it's nice being taken care of for a change.

Especially since it's always been me taking care of everyone else for so long.

After we finish eating, we finally talk about the elephant in the room…my meltdown last night.

I try to tell him that while I'm sorry for exploding the way I did, that I'm not sorry for what I've said.

He surprises me when he agrees with me, tells me that I should have said it all a long time ago.

We talk about what happened after I went to bed, and how his family has agreed to give me some space for a while.

But the last thing he tells me…I was never expecting, and honestly, don't know how to process it, because it's happened so damn fast.

"So it'd decided then," Edward says to me, a quirky smile on his face. "I'll be moving in with you."


	56. Chapter 56

I swear you're brother can be as stubborn as you were sometimes.

We spend the next two hours bickering over this whole "moving in" thing.

In the end though, Edward wins out.

He'll be boxing up and selling his house, and moving in here as soon as possible.

The reality is, our house is more than big enough…we have two guest bedrooms, and now that most of your stuff has been stored away…there is plenty of space in the home office for him to be able to work from there.

I guess when I really think about it, I didn't really fight all that hard against him moving in.

He's the one person I know I can rely on…can talk to about anything.

He's the one person who actually cares about me, and makes sure that my needs are taken care of as much as Eva's are.

And…it's been so lonely here since you've been gone.

The extra help will be nice, and it'll be great having someone who I can actually have adult conversations with, instead of numbing my mind with watching countless episodes of Yo Gabba Gabba or Baby Einstein DVDs.

All my life, I've never really lived alone.

I went form living with my parents, to living in a dorm, to living with you.

I never really knew how to do alone, and frankly I didn't like it one bit.

So it'll be nice having someone else around the house.

Especially someone like Edward.


	57. Chapter 57

The next two weeks pass by in a blur.

Edward and I spend a lot of time packing up stuff in my house and making room for his so that when he moves it all in, he can just put it where he wants it.

All the boxes lying around make me feel like it's you and me moving in all over again, and for a moment…I almost forgot he wasn't you, and I almost forgot that you hadn't sullied everything I thought we had with your stupid, reckless actions…then Eva cried, and I remembered the reality of everything that is my life now.

We talked again about his moving in…I had to bring it up just one more time because I want him to be sure about his decision.

What his family will think…

What will friends thing…

Is it what he really wants, or is he doing it because he feels like he somehow owes me to make up for what you did…

But he's so sure about his choice…

He doesn't care what his family, our friends, or even the neighbors think.

He wants to take whatever money he gets from selling his house and use it to pay off the mortgage on this one and then put the rest into the college fund we set up for Eva.

And he says he knows he doesn't owe me anything, that he wants to do this for me and for Evangeline, because we both deserve to have a home full of care, kindness, and love.

He's been so sweet and kind and helpful…and then when he says things like that…that no matter how wrong it may be, no matter how wrong it may sound…I can't help but wonder, if only for a split second…if I had fallen in love with the wrong brother all those years ago.


	58. Chapter 58

Edward is so great with Evangeline.

And these past two weeks make me realize how happy I am that he's here.

We've found our groove of taking care of her together.

We alternate nights for who gets up when she cries, we take her for walks in the park together.

People look at us like we're any other happily married couple…if they only knew that the truth of our situation is the kind of things that make up Jerry Springer's dreams.

But it's nice not feeling so frazzled and run down all the time.

Sure I still feel tired, and I'm sure Edward does too, but it's so much better having someone to lean on and help you get through it all.

It's great to finally just be able to enjoy having Eva here with me, instead of feeling like I'm trying to juggle flaming chainsaws all day long.

We're moving in Edward's stuff from his house today.

Angela offered to watch Eva at her house while we do it.

I was thankful for that…I'm not ready to allow Eva around the family again just yet…at least not until they can realize how much they hurt me and apologize.

We ended up deciding to move most of Edward's furniture into the house with us.

He brought up the idea, and I thought it would be a good one…a chance to start over, and get many of the reminders of you out of the house, so most of the stuff we picked out after we were married will be getting sent to Goodwill.

I know it sounds harsh, like I'm just trying to forget you, but I'm not.

I'm still keeping a lot of your things, but I need a break from being reminded of you and what you've done everywhere I look because every time I have a memory of us cuddling on the couch or having a romantic dinner in the dining room, all I can think about is if you really ever meant any of what you said or did.

And those doubts and thoughts aren't healthy…I need to do this for me; I need to do this for Eva…so I can be the best mother I can for her.

It takes all morning and most of the afternoon to load up Edward's things, move out the furniture in our house and move his in, but at the end of the day, after we both put Eva to sleep for the night and we're just relaxing in the living room and watching a movie, I realize that for the first time since all of this began, I truly feel happy.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Picture of Edward's house is up on the blog.**


	59. Chapter 59

**A/N: First of 5 updates for today.**

* * *

><p>Happy can only last for so long before reality sets in.<p>

Edward's house sold quickly, and the money from the sale was enough to pay off the mortgage here and put enough money into Eva's college fund so that she'll probably won't even need to think the words 'student loans'.

I think that's what brought reality back to us…Edward's house being sold…because about a week after that, we got a call from your parents asking if they could come over.

We couldn't avoid them forever, so we agreed, and now here we are…waiting for them to come over for lunch.

We've had Angela take Eva for the afternoon though…I don't want her around in case an argument starts, and I refuse to let them around her until everything is sorted out and they apologize.

Edward lets them in the house when they arrive, and I can tell they're surprised when they see so much of his furniture around, but they don't say anything about it.

We all sit in the dining room and eat, the silence deafening.

I'm not sure anyone knows what to say, but I do know that it won't be me who starts this conversation…you're parents wanted this get together, they can start the talking too as far as I'm concerned.

Eventually, as we're all finishing up our food, your father finally speaks.

"Bella," he says in a very tired voice. "We owe you an apology."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: A teaser to the EPOV outtake that I will be contributing to Fandom 4 Children is now up on my blog so head on over to lvtwilight09fanfiction(dot)blogspot(dot)com to check it out. By donating as little as $5 to Fandom 4 Children you will be able to read it and all of the other amazing pieces that over 60 authors are contributing. The donation deadline is April 10.**


	60. Chapter 60

I'll give your father credit…he doesn't beat around the bush.

Looking at Edward, he's equally surprised by your father's words, but says nothing, allowing Carlisle to keep talking.

"I shouldn't have ignored the reality of what was," he says. "It's just…as a father, I had strived, and hoped and prayed that I had raised my children right…taught them how to be good, upstanding men. And…hearing what Evan had done…how he betrayed you, how he turned his back on his child…I couldn't accept it, because accepting that meant accepting that I failed as a father."

He breaks down crying for a moment before continuing.

"I thought that if I just focused on the fact that he was my son, and all the good memories, that I could erase all the wrong he had done…that I could pretend that he really was the good man that I thought I had raised him to be."


	61. Chapter 61

Your mom starts talking soon after your father finishes.

"I was so wrong with how I acted Bella," she says. "I didn't want to accept that Evan had done the things he did. I was already mourning the loss of my son, and knowing what he did…I thought I had done something wrong as a mother. I thought that Evangeline could be my chance to right the wrongs…that if I was a good enough grandmother, it would have made up for my shortcomings as a parent, and in the process I disregarded you and your feelings, ignored your needs, and disregarded the fact that you are Eva's mother, not me…I'm so sorry Bella."

"As am I, Bella," Carlisle chimes in. "So very, very sorry, and we can only hope that one day you can forgive us."

This isn't at all what I expected. I was so prepared for arguments and shouting and fighting, but not this.

Not your parents showing up here repentant and willingly admitting their faults, acknowledging what they've done wrong.

There's still so much we need to talk about, so I say the only thing I can think of.

"Why don't we continue this conversation in the living room."


	62. Chapter 62

Edward brings in the cups and the pot of coffee as we all settle down on the couches.

After I take a sip of mine, I take a moment to collect my thoughts, and stifle my anger at you for the fact that you've made your parents feel like a failure, before beginning to speak.

"First off, you need to realize that neither of you are failures as parents," I tell them. "You have three other children, who have grown into wonderful adults. You can't hold yourself responsible for ever choice Evan ever made. You raised him right, provided him with the tools to be a good person, but he was the one who had to choose what to do with them. He was an adult and made his own decisions…not all of them right."

I take a moment to calm my nerves and catch my breath before continuing.

"That doesn't however excuse the way you made me feel. Your actions and words made me feel as if I didn't matter or have any worth. You left me feeling ignored and incompetent as a parent, and that the only reason you ever even bothered coming around was because I was raising your granddaughter."

Your parents sob quietly as they listen to what I have to say, and I start to cry a little myself, but I know that I need to get all of this out if we ever hope to move forward from here.

"I will not stand for being treated like that anymore, and maybe part of the blame is on me for not voicing my needs, feelings, and concerns earlier, but I won't allow that kind of behavior around my daughter. Now I know she's your grandchild, but I won't hesitate to take her far away from here and you if you don't change the way you've acting around me and treating me."


	63. Chapter 63

**AN: Here's the last chapter for today...now I'm off to work on the updates for tomorrow, and do some editing on the EPOV outtake.**

* * *

><p>Conversation eases up after that.<p>

We talk about how we will work on communicating more, and they are both understanding that I want nothing to do with the rest of the family until we've all hashed everything out.

Talk quickly transfers over to Edward's moving in.

Your parents raise their concerns over what other people will say or think, especially since Edward is Evan's twin, but they also agree when I say that what everyone else thinks or says isn't important because I am doing what's best for Evangeline.

As your parents leave to head home, I feel as though a weight has lifted off of my shoulders, and am glad when they ask if it would be possible for them to come over to spend time with Eva some time this week.

I agree that it would be good, as she's surely missing her grandparents, and promise to call the next day to set up a time for them to come over again.

Once your mom and dad are gone Edward asks how I'm feeling now that I've cleared the air with Carlisle and Esme.

"Good," I tell him. "Really good."

And then, I'm not sure why, I just hug him to me tightly.

Maybe it's because I know I wouldn't have been able to deal with your parents without him there, or maybe…just maybe it's because he's quickly becoming the most important person in my life, second only to my Evangeline.


	64. Chapter 64

The rest of your family came over today.

I think your parents had something to do with it.

Things have been better between me and Carlisle and Esme. They're happy to see Evangeline again, and they also made time to just talk to me…to see if I need anything, to see how I'm doing.

Things with Alice, Jasper, Emmett, and Rose went much the same as with your parents.

They apologized and told me they knew they were wrong.

We all agreed to work together to move forward, and put that part of the past behind us.

At least that part of my day went well.

The other part…dealing with my parents…didn't go so well.

Mom and Dad had finally accepted that I wasn't giving up Evangeline…and had even warmed up to the whole idea of being grandparents, but they hadn't been by the house since Edward moved in.

I knew I needed to tell them, especially since they were coming over for dinner tomorrow, and I didn't exactly want them blindsided, so I called them today to tell them.

They were furious…they yelled a lot, and then decided that, in their own words, "Would deal with this disgraceful situation" tomorrow.

So much for looking forward to a family dinner…


	65. Chapter 65

Dinner went as I expected it to…not well.

Not only were they already pissed about the whole Edward moving in thing, Mom and Dad were furious when they realized that most of the furniture in the house was his.

They told me I was disgracing your memory, although they also didn't like it when I reminded them how they couldn't give a shit about you when they found out about Evangeline and how they told me to get rid of the kid because she wasn't my problem.

They accused me of being as bad as you…said that I was hopping from one brother to another because it was convenient and because he was just a substitute for you…that I should be ashamed of what I was doing.

They just don't understand though…Edward just understands me.

He listens, and cares, and helps me.

He loves Evangeline, and she needs a good, strong, dependable male role model in her life, even if she is less than a year old.

I couldn't deal with their horrible accusations and judgments, so I kicked them out.

I told them not to contact me again until they could accept me and the way I live my life without passing judgment because they're my parents…they should accept me as is, no questions asked.

They were so angry, I don't know when or if I'll ever hear from them again, and frankly I couldn't care in this moment. I'm tired of people being unsupportive and passing judgement...if they can't just respect my need to do things my own way...screw 'em.

I'm so angry at you for putting me in a situation like this.

All of this is because of you…because you couldn't keep your goddamn dick in your goddamn pants.

I'm tired of feeling like this all the time…all this anger and hurt and frustration with only ever a fleeting moment of happiness…I'm tired of thinking about you and what you did all the time…I'm tired of it all.

I need to find a way…I need to learn how to just let it all go.


	66. Chapter 66

It's been two weeks since the blow out with my parents.

They haven't made contact, and I don't plan to either…as far as I'm concerned, the ball is in their court.

I've been trying so hard to move forward, put all the hurt behind me…but it's difficult.

Especially on nights like tonight where I think it's a good idea to pull out all the old scrapbooks and try to remember that we were happy together one.

Add in a couple of classes of wine, and I'm a blubbering mess sitting on my bed.

Edward must hear me, because he comes in to check on me.

He's so good at understanding what I need.

He doesn't pry, he just wraps his arm around me and offers me what comfort he can.

Eventually I set the book aside, and lay down in bed.

Edward stays with me, holding me and telling me that things will get easier with time.

I'm not sure when I drift off, but when I wake up…I feel truly rested for the first time in a long time.

No nightmares of your death or betrayal plagued me; I didn't wake up in tears over everything I've lost within the past few months.

And that's when I realize…that your brother's arms are still around me…he stayed with me the entire night, holding me as we both slept.

Looking at him as he sleeps, I can see the almost imperceptible differences between you too…the way there is an inexplicable peacefulness to how he looks when he sleeps…you always had a furrow to your brow as you slept.

I don't want to wake him, and so I just lay there, watching him sleep.

It's as I watch him that I realize how easily I could get used to this…but it confuses me too…could I get used to it because I'm becoming lonely for this sort of intimate connection with another person, or because it's Edward…or both.


	67. Chapter 67

**A/N: So many of you have been asking about EPOV for this story...well, I've started writing it. It will be posting as a companion story to this one and is titled Holding On To Hope. The first chapter is up, and I'd love for you all to go and check it out. **

* * *

><p>Edward starts to shift and wake up as Eva's cries come through the baby monitor.<p>

Not wanting an awkward situation, I pretend to be asleep as he gets up and goes to check on her.

Once I hear him in the nursery, I "wake up" and head in there as well.

Edward doesn't make mention of the fact that he slept in the same bed as me last night.

I don't either.

In fact, neither of us mention it at all the entire day, but every time I look at him, I can't help the slight fluttering that occurs in the pit of my stomach.

I catch myself watching him more and more, and I notice all the small, wonderful things about him.

Like how wonderful he is with Eva…how whoever he chooses to marry will be lucky to have him because he'll certainly make a wonderful father.

The thought of him finding someone makes me a little sad though.

As much as I want your brother to find happiness, I've truly been loving having him here too, and will hate to see him leave, despite knowing that the arrangement we have now could never be a permanent one.


	68. Chapter 68

**A/N: I've moved things along a bit time wise with this chapter. Eva is 8 months old at this point…remember, she was born 4 months after Evan died, so her being 8 months old puts us right near the 1 year anniversary of Evan's death. Have faith people…the interesting times for Bella and Edward…they are a comin'. Also…the pic for the sock monkey in this chapter is up on the blog: lvtwilightfanfiction(dot)blogspot(dot)com**

* * *

><p>Time flies when you're raising a child.<p>

It also flies as you work to put the past behind you.

I'm not as angry at you any more…don't get me wrong…I'm still hurt and upset…but the raging anger has passed.

It's progress at least.

I wish you were here today though, but you're not…hell, in two weeks it'll be a year since you're gone.

Eva started crawling. Edward and I were playing with her in the living room and I guess she wanted her sock monkey toy because pushed herself up off the floor and just crawled right to it.

I was so proud of her.

Although now she's crawling around everywhere in the house faster than I can keep up with her.

Thank God we already baby proofed everything.

I can't help but giggle as I watch her and Edward…he keeps leading her with that damn sock monkey, and she keeps on crawling after it…even if I do keep telling him she's not a pet…it's still adorable to watch this new development of hers.

It's only going to be a matter of time now before she starts walking, and then lord knows I'll be in for a world of trouble trying to keep up with her considering the amount of energy she has.

She's crawling towards Edward again, and stops right in front of him before unceremoniously plopping down on her butt.

I love the way she looks at him.

I can tell she knows she's loved.

And that's when she says it…her first word…as if she's talking straight to Edward…"Da-da"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Yes, I know it's a bit odd for her to crawl AND say her first "word" on the same day…but hey, I'm the author and I'm indulging in a bit of creative licensing…plus from my experience with my little cousin and the research I've done…babies start to crawl and talk/babble (i.e. ga-ga-ma-ma-da-da sounds) within the same timeframe.**


	69. Chapter 69

Edward looked so scared after we put Eva down for a nap.

I think he was afraid of how I was going to react to her saying Da Da to him.

"You are her Daddy though," I told him.

He seemed to relax a bit then, although I could see the hesitation in his eyes.

You may have been her father…but you never loved her…never even wanted her.

Edward does.

I explain it all to him…maybe it's because it's because I feel something taking root and starting to grow between us no matter how much I push it aside, but I don't want Edward to be nervous or worry. I want him to know that as far as Eva is concerned, his role in her life is secure.

"Your brother may have been her father, but you are her Da Da. You're the one who holds her, and cares for her, and make sure she's okay. I mean…if you're not comfortable with it, I completely understand, but I don't think Uncle Edward is the right title for you…Daddy is."


	70. Chapter 70

**A/N: There will be 5 updates today. You can all thank Catastrophia for that as I was only going to update twice today, but last night we made a trade...5 chapters of this story today if she would post an extra chapter of her story Me and Mr. Cullen last night. That story owns me...so go check it out. You'll definitely love it!**

* * *

><p>Edward hugs me tightly after I tell him that I consider him to be Eva's daddy.<p>

Perhaps he's been thinking of this for a while now.

I can already see how attached he is to her. How he looks at her with all the love in the world.

I can't help but think of what it would be like if he looked at me like that…if there was really something between us.

The thought brings me up short.

Why am I thinking about Edward like that?

It's just barely a year that you've been gone…am I ready to move forward?

Am I really developing feelings for him…or is it just the fact that he looks like you and stirs up old feelings inside me that is causing this.

Whatever it is…I need to sort it out soon.


	71. Chapter 71

I push all thoughts about my possible attraction to Edward out of my mind…or try to at least.

Right now I need to focus on tomorrow.

Tomorrow is one year you've been gone, and the whole family will be attending a memorial mass for you and then we'll all be visiting your grave.

The last thing I need is for them to figure out what's floating around in my head.

God knows what they'd all say about it.

I can only imagine what you're thinking…not that it matters after everything you did and put me through.

Edward notices something is up with me…asks if I'm okay because I seem distracted and nervous.

He's always so attentive and attuned to what I'm thinking…more than you ever were…more caring too.

It makes me realize how much I've been noticing about him too.

I play off the whole thing and tell him it's because of the mass tomorrow.

He gives me a sort of sad look and an understanding nod before going to start dinner, as I once again try to push Edward out of my mind.


	72. Chapter 72

Your mass today was solemn.

A lot of your friends came, along with the entire family.

Your parents cry both at the church and at the gravesite.

I don't cry at all…I felt a little sad at remembering everything I thought we had and everything I lost, but the highly charged emotions I felt at first weren't there.

It doesn't mean that I don't miss you, or the good times we had.

But I've come to accept that things weren't as perfect as I thought.

The anger over it all still lingers like a glowing ember, but it is no longer the raging fury I had coursing through me for so long.

Maybe it's a sign that I'm ready to move forward.

Maybe I'm finally letting it all go.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Okay, so another deal has been struck...Edward's Eternal traded me an early posting of her story Snowbound (which is super awesome so you all should go check it out ASAP) for 5 more chapters of this story. I was planning on posting 1, possibly 2 chapters tomorrow, but instead, I'll be posting 5, so be sure to tell Edward's Eternal thanks!**


	73. Chapter 73

Eva said "ma-ma" today.

I was feeding her and she was giggling at the airplane noises I was making and then she just said it.

It was the sweetest thing I've ever heard.

Edward and your parents were there to hear it.

Your parents also got to hear her say Da-Da again.

At first they looked a little apprehensive when Edward and I encouraged her, but I simply told them that Edward was her daddy…more than you ever wanted to be or would have been.

I'm sure it sounded harsh, but Esme and Carlisle handled it better than I thought.

They told me that while they were sad that Eva couldn't know her birth father, that they understood what I meant, and that Edward was certainly a wonderful daddy.

Esme started watching me and Edward a little more carefully after that whenever we interacted.

I think she suspects…I think she knows that there's an attraction there.

At least it's what I think is an attraction…it's still confusing…I really need to sort it all out.


	74. Chapter 74

I've spent a lot of time this week thinking.

About you.

About us.

About me and what I want for my future.

The future…every time I think about it, I can't help but picture Edward in it with me.

I thought a lot about Edward too.

Whether there was a real attraction there or not.

I think there is.

I know it's a bit unconventional…developing feelings for your dead husband's brother…even more so when that brother is an identical twin, but it feels right.

It's in all the little things he does.

Like holding the door open for me when we're out somewhere.

Or how we laugh at the same things, or holds me when we watch a scary movie.

The way I feel light and happy when I'm with him.

How he so willingly and effortlessly gave up what was his normal life to help me and Eva.

I feel this connection to him…something rooted deep in my soul, deeper I think that what I had with you.

I think he might feel the same way, but I'm not sure.

The way he looks at me sometimes, it's like he's got all these emotions swimming beneath the surface trying to break free, but he's afraid to let them loose.

Kind of like me with my newly acknowledged feelings towards him.

I can't tell him.

Not yet…

I'm too afraid of losing him, of Eva losing him if he doesn't feel the same way.

He's too important, and it would kill me to lose him in my life.

So for now, I'll keep quiet and maintain the status quo.

Because besides Eva, Edward is the one thing I could never learn to let go of.


	75. Chapter 75

**A/N: So we have another little time jump here. Remember, Evan died on Valentine's Day (he was 27 at the time). Evangeline was born just about four months later. That means we've already passed one birthday for Bella & Edward already (which makes them 28) and are on to the second one since we're at the beginning of June. Hope this helps with keeping track of ages and such!**

* * *

><p>Eva walked today.<p>

Grabbed right onto the coffee table, pulled herself up and took her first steps.

Edward got it all on camera…thank God for cell phones that record video.

I couldn't help but hug him for capturing the moment.

I couldn't bear to let go of him afterwards either.

I feel safe in his arms.

We started talking about Eva's birthday today.

It's coming up soon.

Which also means Edward's is too.

I know it's also yours, but I can't focus on the fact that you'd be twenty nine…I need to focus on the good things that I've found in my life.

Maybe his birthday will be a good time for me to say something about how I feel…

I'm not sure though…if he doesn't feel the same way, it could ruin the whole day…and I wouldn't want that.


	76. Chapter 76

Eva's birthday party was great.

We had it at the park and invited all her friends from her Mommy and Me class.

The whole family was there too.

We took plenty of great pictures.

Although there are a few of me, Eva, and Edward that are my favorite.

The way we look in them…we look like a family.

Any outsider looking at them would think it was a picture of a husband and wife with their baby girl.

Is it so wrong that I want that picture to become a reality?

I have to believe you'd want me to find happiness again, and I think I can with your brother.

I know it's unconventional, that it might cause people to talk…but if your death taught me anything, it's that life is too short.

I don't want to be alone anymore, and I don't want to live wondering what if.

I'm going to talk to him…tell him how I feel.

Soon.


	77. Chapter 77

I talked to Angela today.

I told her about everything...about how I feel about Edward.

It was nice being able to talk through it all with someone.

She didn't judge me over the fact that he's your brother.

She told me he's a good man, that he's good to me and Eva, and that's all that matters.

She also said she thinks he might feel the same way too from how he looks at me and how he acts when he's around me.

It's given me hope…something to hold on to...that maybe there's a chance it'll all work out.

I know by telling him I risk losing him all together, but I think it's worth it.

Angela helped me plan out what I want to say to him.

I know what I want to do…what I want to say.

I'm ready now.


	78. Chapter 78

I can't help the nerves that I've been feeling the past few days.

I think Edward's noticed something was a bit off with me.

But today's his birthday…the day I've been waiting for.

We did lunch with your family earlier.

Edward just wanted a low key thing, nothing special.

I told him I'd make him dinner.

So I've made him all his favorites.

He seemed to enjoy the meal.

And he loved the gift from Eva and I…I had one of the pictures of the three of us at her birthday party framed for him.

Now that we've finished dessert and Eva's been put to bed, and we're relaxing in the living room, it's time for me to get the words out.

"Edward," I say nervously. "Can I talk to you for a moment?"


	79. Chapter 79

**A/N: Last one for the day…don't kill me for where I leave it.**

Before I even realize it, everything I've wanted to say comes flying out of my mouth.

"You are so important to me Edward…to Eva too. You were there for me during the hardest time in my life, and without you I wouldn't have gotten through it. You are the kindest, sweetest, most caring person I know. You're Eva's daddy, and I can't imagine a better man for that role in her life. You've practically given up your life for me and Eva, and I have loved having you here with us. You are one of the most important people in my life Edward, and I can't imagine having a future without you in it. I've learned a lot this past year…I realized a lot of the times, the best things happen when you least expect them to, and I've especially learned that life is too short to let chances pass you by. Now, I know you may not feel the same way, and that's okay…but I needed to tell you how I feel…how I've felt for a while now."

Edward is just sitting there, slack jawed and staring at me.

It's only when he realizes that I stopped talking that he manages to say something.

"Bella," he says, his voice rough as he forces the words out. "What exactly are you trying to say?"

"Edward…I…I'm in love with you."

**A/N: Yeah, yeah, yeah…I know…I left you with a bit of a cliffie *cackles evilly* No worries…you'll find out soon enough how the rest of it plays out. In the mean time...I started posting a new drabble called The Honeymoon...it's full of lemons, and is prewritten so you'll be getting 5 chapters a day until it's finished, so go on and check it out while I leave you hanging with this cliffie :-P**


	80. Chapter 80

My words linger in the air.

My anxiety over my admission climbs as Edward stares at me for a moment, saying nothing.

Finally, when he speaks, his voice is a soft whisper.

"Oh, Bella…do...do you really mean it?"

I hesitantly nod yes, not because I doubt my feelings, but because I worry about his reaction.

But what he says next…it gives me hope…that maybe opening up to him, telling him all of this wasn't a mistake.

"Do you have any idea how long I've waited for you," he says as his hand gently caresses my cheek. "Do you have any idea how long I've held on to hop that one day you would say those words to me?"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I'm aiming for 5 chapters today, but I do have some RL stuff to do, so I make no solid promises other than I will do my best to get them out to you. Also…for those of you wondering how long this story will be…I mapped out the remainder of it, and it should end with chapter 100.**


	81. Chapter 81

Edward's words barely have time to register in my brain before he starts talking.

I guess word vomit is catching tonight.

"Do you know how long I've wanted to tell you how I feel? How long I've wanted you for my own? I've loved you for so long Bella. Since before we ever actually met. I remember seeing you for the first time on campus freshman year. We were in the same economics class. You never noticed me though. Our schedules were similar because we had classes in the same buildings. I kept telling myself every day that I would talk to you, ask you out…but I was so shy and afraid you would tell me no. And then my brother introduced you to me…as the girl he'd been seeing. I knew I was too late then by how you looked at him…like he was your entire world. All I'd ever wanted was for you to look at me like that. All I wanted was you to be happy, so I kept my mouth shut, and loved you from afar...I could never be with anyone else, not when I always ended up comparing them to you."

I can't help the tears that start falling as he tells me all of this.

It makes so many things make sense now…why he would never let us set him up on blind dates, why he never had a girlfriend.

I can't help but wonder if you knew…if you had some sort of inkling about how your brother felt.

"Oh Edward," I say, and without even thinking I launch myself into his arms and kiss him.

Our lips meet, his tongue darting out and seeking entrance into my mouth which I grant.

The kiss is full of passion and unspoken words, all of our emotion pouring out of us, the power of the connection between the two of us tangible in the air.

We break apart only when we need air.

Gasping for breath, we both once again say the words neither of us knew how to say for so long.

"I love you…"


	82. Chapter 82

Today was our first date.

Angela watched Eva for us.

Everything was so perfect and sweet.

Edward packed a picnic for us.

The city has been putting on a classical concert series in the park.

So Edward packed up the picnic and some blankets and off we went.

They were playing Mozart…my favorite.

You always hated Mozart, all classical music really.

You never understood why I liked it, called it snob music and could never see the beauty in it.

But Edward…he seemed to enjoy it as much as me.

We cuddled and snuggled together as the music played, and as I let my mind wander, I could see the two of us doing the exact same thing thirty years from now.

I didn't want the evening to end.

But it did, and even though we live under the same roof, Edward walked me to my bedroom door and gave me a kiss good night and thanked me for a wonderful time.

If only he knew though…that I should be thanking him, because he's the reason I feel like I can smile again. He's the reason why my heart has begun to heal and I am able to let love back into my life.

He's the reason I'm able to love him.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So...I will be giving you through chapter 87 today...hope that makes up for the epic fail that was FF the past few days. Pictures for the chapter are up on the blog: lvtwilight09fanfiction(dot)blogspot(dot)com**


	83. Chapter 83

Edward and I talked about a lot of things today.

Us…you…our future.

We know what we want together…we want a life together, a chance to build our lives together and one day start a family of our own.

But we also know that our relationship blossomed out of something tragic, and so we know we still need to take things slow and tread carefully.

This are still new between us, no matter how sure we seem of our wanting our future together, we don't want to rush or do anything to mess things up.

Which is why we agreed to keep things quiet for now and not tell your parents just yet.

No matter when we tell them will be awkward no doubt, but for now…we'll wait until we're more established.

After all…Edward and I know how we feel about each other, and nothing matters more than that.


	84. Chapter 84

**A/N: Bit of a time jump again. Last chapter was the end of June, this chapter is September.**

* * *

><p>I can't believe all the trouble Edward's gone through for my birthday.<p>

He arranged for a weekend getaway for us to a bed and breakfast.

It's been a great chance for us to have some extended time alone.

And for me to think through my plan.

I'm ready to move things forward with Edward, and I think he's ready too.

I felt the tension the whole way up here in the car…the glances, the "accidental" touches.

And now that we're in our room…

Our luggage forgotten by the door.

Edward's strong arms wrapped around me as he kisses up my neck and guides us to the bed and lowers us on to it.

"We don't have to if you aren't ready Baby," he whispers before kissing me.

But I want to…I'm so more than ready to give myself to him.

"I want to Edward…please…I need you," I murmer back to him.

His lips capture mine as his tongue seeks entrance into my mouth.

Our hands become frantic as our clothes are discarded on the floor.

And I can already feel just how right it is for Edward and I to be together.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Pictures of the bed and breakfast and their room are up on the blog: lvtwilight09fanfiction(dot)blogspot(dot)com**


	85. Chapter 85

I can feel his arousal against my thigh as he showers my breasts with attention, sucking a nipple into his mouth before showing the same attention to the other.

I can't stop the moans that fly out of my mouth…I haven't felt so alive…so good in so long.

It makes me want him all the more.

So I take control, and flip us so I am straddling him, kissing my way down his chest as my hands stroke his hardened shaft.

I lick the tip, savoring the taste of the bead of precum that has pooled there.

Slowly, I take him in my mouth.

His grunts and groans spur me on as my head moves up and down his shaftand my hands massage his balls.

His hips start to thrust the closer he gets to the edge.

"Bella," he gasps out. "I…I'm gonna cum Baby…" he whimpers as he tries to warn me about is impending release.

But I want to taste him.

My tongue swirls around his cock as I take him all the way in, the head reaching the back of my throat, and it's enough to trigger his orgasm.

His body tenses as he cries out my name and the warmth of his release pours out of him and down my throat.

I place a final kiss on the tip before making my way up to him.

His chest is heaving as he pulls me to him, and flips us over, a growled "My turn" escaping his lips.


	86. Chapter 86

I get lost in sensation as Edward's hands roam my body.

I feel as though he's everywhere at once except where I need him most.

His fingers ghost along my thighs as he parts my legs.

His lips leaving a trail of fire as he kisses his down my body.

All at once, his mouth and hands seem to sync together as they reach my already soaked core.

My back arches off the bed as his tongue licks and his fingers, first one and then a second enter me.

My hands fist into his hair, holding him in place between my legs, never wanting him to leave.

He licks and nips and sucks as his fingers stroke and curl and hit the spot that drives me wild, sending me over the edge.

"Fuck, Edward!" I cry out as my hips buck and I grind against his mouth, my orgasm soaring through me.

As I come down from my high, I pull him up along my body, wrapping my legs around his waist.

Kissing him on the mouth, I whimper as I feel his rock hard cock at my entrance.

"Please Edward," I whisper as I thrust my hips up slightly. " I need to feel you inside me…make me yours."

Edward kisses me and simply responds with "As you wish…"


	87. Chapter 87

Edward and I both let out a satisfied moan as he enters me.

And for me, nothing feels more right than this moment between us…he is my home.

With whispered words of love and gentle kisses he begins to move within me.

My hips start to raise off the bed as I begin to meet him thrust for thrust.

"So good Edward…"

"I love you Baby…"

His pace quickens and he drives me closer and closer to the edge.

"Cum for me Baby," he tells me, his fingers teasing my clit as his cock goes deeper inside me, triggering my release.

My nails dig into his shoulders as I shatter, his pace quickening as his release comes soon after my own.

Afterwards, he holds me closely too him, kissing along my shoulder.

"I love you Bella…you're everything to me," he tells me.

"I love you too Edward, more than anything," I reply.

I feel rather see his smile, and hear his contented sigh at my words before drifting off to sleep.


	88. Chapter 88

Edward really made my birthday special this year.

The weekend at the bed and breakfast was more than I could have asked for.

Angela watched Eva for us while we were away, so it was nice to have the time for us to just get to be a couple together.

We also decided on the way home that we were ready to tell your parents about us.

We're ready now.

We know they may not react too well to it, but Edward isn't worried.

We decided to tell my parents too, even though they haven't spoken to me since we fought.

I would love for them to be in Eva's life, to be happy for me that I've found happiness again, but if they can't support me, then maybe it's best they stay away.

Edward helped me to get the dinner ready tonight.

We figured we'd have everyone over here and tell them then.

I can only hope for it to go as well as Edward thinks it will, because I would never want to be the thing that comes between him and his family.


	89. Chapter 89

It's nice seeing your family again.

We hadn't all been together for a family dinner in a while.

We've all been busy.

We catch up as we eat, and I can't help the smile that crosses my face when I realize we've truly finally found our new normal.

There's no lingering sadness every time we're together.

Memories of you bring out happiness now when we bring them up.

Even I've been able to let go of the hurt and the pain.

I've realized there's no room for it in my life, and no matter what I thought, you were human…and everyone makes mistakes…even if some cause irreparable damage.

By the time dessert is ready, we're all sitting in the den, and Edward and I are trying to find the right way to tell everyone about us.

There's a lull in the conversation, and Edward decides to just grab the opportunity and go for it.

He takes my hand in his and clears his throat, gaining everyone's attention.

"Bella and I have something important to say," he says as he kisses my cheek.

"We're together now…have been since June…and we love each other very much."


	90. Chapter 90

I swear Edward must be a mind reader or something.

He was so sure that things would go well with your family.

He was right.

Emmett, Rose, Alice, and Jasper all already had an inkling about something going on between us.

I think your mother did too, although she'd never admit it.

But both her and your father just want the two of us to be happy.

They told me that they've seen the positive changes that Edward and I have brought out in each other.

Your mom also said that as happy as she had seen me with you, it was different than how I am with Edward…not any less or more happy, but different.

I think it's because even though we fit well together…I realize now that it's Edward who makes me feel complete.

He's like oxygen for me...and while I always wanted to be with you...with Edward...I need him to survive, I wouldn't want to without him.

We called my parents to tell them too.

Dad wouldn't talk to me, and all Mom said was "I see," before giving me some excuse for needing to get off the phone.

Edward thinks they just need time to come around.

Either way, it doesn't matter…there's nothing they or anyone else could say to make me ever even think of giving Edward up.


	91. Chapter 91

**A/N: So we have another time jump here. Last chapter was mid-September, after Bella's birthday. This chapter jumps ahead to mid-November…just about a week before Thanksgiving.**

* * *

><p>I can't believe I was that careless.<p>

After you died I stopped going in for my birth control shot.

Not like there was a need for it after all…and Edward and I were taking things slow, so I didn't even think of making an appointment.

My cycle was never regular either, so the fact that I didn't get my period last month never even crossed my mind.

Edward and I have just been using condoms since I couldn't get in to see my doctor until mid-November.

The only time we didn't was that first weekend…my birthday weekend…and let's just say I lost count of how many times Edward could have gotten me pregnant that weekend.

Us moving our physical relationship wasn't planned really, and in the haste of getting ready for the trip, neither of us packed condoms as a just in case.

The doctor wouldn't put me on birth control without running a precautionary pregnancy test since I was sexually active again.

I thought nothing of it…pee'd in the cup and handed it off to the nurse without a care in the world.

I never expected Dr. Denali to come in to the exam room with a smile on her face as she told me "Congratulations, you're going to be a mommy."


	92. Chapter 92

I left the Dr. Denali's office with a prescription for prenatal vitamins, some pamphlets, and another appointment in a few weeks.

I also walked out of there feeling like my entire world got knocked off onto its side.

The entire car ride home I can't stop worrying.

I know we're certain of wanting to be together, I mean, I even moved out of my room and into his at home...but still…getting knocked up after only being together a few months is nowhere near what we meant by taking things slow.

This wasn't what we had talked about…not yet at least. We wanted to just enjoy being together for now. We weren't even going to think about an engagement for at least another year. We wanted to look for a new house together…get settled into a home of our own first.

Now we definitely need to fast track the house hunting…only not just because we want to be able to have a house that is filled only with memories of us, but because there's a baby on the way and we need the extra room.

Does Edward even want this?

Will he change his mind?

Will he tuck tail and run like you did?

What is the family going to think?

How the hell am I supposed to tell him?


	93. Chapter 93

I know I should have told your brother right away that he's going to be a father.

I just didn't know how to get the words to come out.

I know he knows something is up.

Tomorrow's Thanksgiving, and I've barely done anything to get things ready for when everyone comes over.

This whole week I've turned down his advances for sex or even physical contact.

I'm so lost in my head worrying over this.

My head tells me I have nothing to worry about, but my heart…it's fragile…it wouldn't survive if Edward reacted badly to this news.

He keeps questioning me about what's going on with me, and I hate seeing him so worried.

Regardless of what his reaction may be…I'm going to have to tell him soon.


	94. Chapter 94

Thanksgiving is relatively quiet…at least as far as I'm concerned.

Everyone else is happily chatting as they eat.

I'm just pushing my food around on my plate.

I still haven't worked out how to tell Edward, even if I have sworn to myself that I would do it this weekend.

But I guess Edward's lost his patience with me when after Esme, Emmett, and Alice all tried talking to me and I was so zoned out I didn't even hear them.

"Goddamn it Bella!" Edward shouts as he slams his hand on the table. "What the hell is going on? You've been a zombie for the past week. You won't talk to me, you won't let me touch you, you're walking around like you were right after Evan died. Do you not want to be with me anymore…because if that's the case then just say so and end it…don't string me and my heart along."

Looking up at him, he seems so hurt and frightened.

This isn't how I wanted to tell him.

I never meant to make him think I didn't want him.

"Oh Edward," I sob as tears start pouring down my face. "Of course I want you. I love you…I…I'm just…I have to tell you something and I don't know how…"

"Bella…you know you can tell me anything," he says to me in a much softer tone of voice than before.

"Edward I'm…I'm pregnant."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Yeah, I know…a wee bit of a cliffie here. But we're also quite close to the end of this little tale (it's ending with ch100, not counting the EvanPOV outtake I'll be posting April 20) so I wanted to leave some chapters to be posted over the weekend too (I'm aiming for 2 to post tomorrow, 2 to post Saturday, and the final 2 to post on Sunday).**


	95. Chapter 95

As soon as the words are out of my mouth, the dining room falls deathly silent.

Edward slumps back in his chair, staring at me, his face utterly devoid of emotion.

It's enough to make me think he's upset about the news.

"Excuse me," I mutter as I throw my napkin on the table and run upstairs, locking myself in my room.

I'm not sure how long I lay there crying, but eventually a pair of familiar arms wrap themselves around me and hold me close.

"I'm sorry Bella," Edward whispers to me.

"You have nothing to be sorry for Edward. I should have gone on birth control as soon as we declared ourselves. I understand…you don't want the baby…" I trail off before breaking into sobs again.

"Bella…what are you talking about?" Edward questions. "Of course I want the baby. My entire future is with you. Why wouldn't this include us having more children besides Eva?"

His answer makes my thoughts stop dead in their tracks.

He wants the baby?

"You…you aren't upset about me being pregnant?"

"No, you silly girl. I'm exceptionally happy about being a daddy again."

"But…the way you reacted when I told you…"

"Was me being an ass. I was caught off guard. I wasn't expecting you to be telling me that you know. Sure it's a little faster than anything we had planned, but it's okay. I love you, I love the family we've built together…I love the child that's growing inside you. We'll just have to move a little faster in finding a new home is all. Plans change all the time Bella, there's nothing wrong with that."

He holds me close to him again, kissing away the tears that are drying on my face.

"How did your family take the news?" I ask.

"They were a bit surprised, happy about a new baby, pissed at me for making you upset…they're still waiting downstairs to make sure I set things right."

I can't help but laugh a little at the pout on his face over his family being upset with him, which only causes him to laugh with me.

"So…you're gonna be a mommy again…"

"And you're gonna be a daddy again."

"Sounds perfect to me Bella. I love you."

"I love you too Edward…now how about we go downstairs and finish that turkey dinner…I am eating for two now."

We head back downstairs and rejoin the rest of the family. Everyone is happy that Edward and I have cleared up the little misunderstanding we had, and we spend the rest of the evening talking about baby names, and if we think we'll be having a boy or a girl.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Okay, so I know I said yesterday that the remaining 6 chapters would be spread out between today, tomorrow, and Sunday, but I got them pretty much all written last night, so...this story will be ending today *sad face* **


	96. Chapter 96

**A/N: Just to keep you all on track, we're now about two weeks into December in the story.**

I love being pregnant.

Crazy I know…but I will admit I've had an easy pregnancy so far.

Now that I'm going to be having a baby, Edward suggested reaching out to my parents again.

They agreed to meet us for dinner.

I'm not sure what to expect, I haven't spoken to them since that two word conversation the day Edward and I told everyone we were together.

I was a little thrown by how excited they were to hear from us.

Edward and I got to the restaurant before they did, so when they saw us, they did look surprised to see me pregnant.

I waited for them to say something judgmental as they approached, but the first thing my mother did as she got close to me was pull me into a hug and break down crying as she murmured her apologies to me.

Dad was next, and it was awkward seeing him emotional, but at the same point, him displaying his emotions like this made me realize how much they meant what they were saying.

A lot of talking went on throughout our meal…we talked about you, about Edward and I, about Eva and her little brother or sister who would be arriving in a few months.

They told me how they realized they were wrong…how they were angry over what Evan had done, and that they just wanted me to distance myself from everything having to do with him to keep me from getting hurt more than I already was.

They talked about how they understood just how much they were missing…me, Eva, who when they referred to her as their grandchild…it made me happier than I could say.

They also understood that while I wanted them in mine and my family's life, that it would take time. That there was a lot of damage to repair from what they had done, and that we couldn't just go back to how things were.

Mom and Dad said they'd do whatever it took to work things out and fix our relationship.

By the end of the night, I felt much better than I had in a long time, and it was only then that I realized how much the rift between my parents and I had bothered me.

Hugging me tight before they left, Mom whispered in my ear that she was happy for Edward and I…that she was happy that I was finally truly living again.

After a promise to get together again soon, Edward and I headed home, and I for one, was most definitely feeling like everything was falling into place.


	97. Chapter 97

I'm extremely excited for Christmas this year.

We're all going over to my parent's house.

Eva has gotten reacquainted with them, and loves spending time with her Nana and Pop Pop.

As soon as we got there, Mom ushered me inside and sent Dad out to help Edward carry in the gifts.

Edward's family arrived shortly after we did, and much to Alice's chagrin, we ate dinner first before opening gifts.

Eventually her whining got to be too much, so we quickly finished eating and then let her loose on the packages nestled underneath the tree.

Everyone seemed to enjoy what they got, although Eva seemed wholeheartedly much more interested in the discarded wrapping paper than the gifts Santa had left for her.

"Hey Bella," Edward called out from next to the tree. "There's a gift still under the tree…it has your name on it."

Making my way over, I reach down and pick up the box, which reads

_To the love of my life…_

_Always,_

_Edward_

As soon as I turn to look for him, he's already in front of me, on bended knee.

I can't stop the gasp that escapes me as he pulls the box from my hand, revealing the beautiful ring that sits inside it.

"Bella," Edward begins. "I have loved you from the first moment I saw you so many, many years ago. I never thought that I would ever be lucky enough to have you love me in return. You have given me everything I ever could have asked for in life…a beautiful family, a life full of happiness, and future full of endless wonderful possibilities. I can't imagine living a single day without you by my side, nor would I ever want to. Will you marry me?"

There are so many things I want to say to him…how he's made me happier than I thought possible, how it's really me who's the lucky one, but all I can manage out is one simple word.

"Yes."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Picture of the ring is up on the blog: lvtwilight09fanfiction(dot)blogspot(dot)com**


	98. Chapter 98

I can't believe I'm having my baby today.

It's been a running joke that June seems to be a lucky month for Edward and I…it's the month of his birthday, Eva's birthday, it's the month when we declared ourselves to each other…and the month when we're getting married next year.

We also closed on our new house at the beginning of the month…God bless Esme for having connections with decorators who were able to get the nursery done quickly, and thank the lord for the rest of the family helping to get the rest of the house put together

Now here we are…still in June, and I'm giving birth to our daughter.

Edward and I weren't sure about finding out, but once Alice mentioned how much easier it would be able to plan the nursery, we agreed.

The contractions are coming really close, and Edward visibly pales as Dr. Denali tells me it's time to push.

Edward is by my side, holding my hand in his as I bring our daughter into the world.

The moment her first cry echoes through the room, the tears start, and Edward is kissing me and thanking me for such a beautiful daughter.

After she's cleaned up, my perfect 7 pound 9 ounce little girl is placed in my arms.

Edward and I enjoy a few moments alone with her before bringing in Eva to meet her little sister.

Slowly, the rest of the family eventually joins us, and once everyone is in the room we introduce them to Cassidy Nicole Cullen.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Pictures of the house, the nursery and Cassidy are up on the blog: lvtwilight09fanfiction(dot)blogspot(dot)com**


	99. Chapter 99

It's amazing how quickly a year goes by.

Just a year ago Edward and I were welcoming Cassidy into the world, and now…here we are officially becoming a family.

The church is beautifully decorated with flowers.

And Edward looks absolutely dashing in his tuxedo.

We agreed that we wanted a small wedding…just close family and friends, with a simple reception back at our house afterwards.

I never thought I would ever end up here again…so in love and ready to pledge myself to the person who owns my heart.

As Dad walks me down the aisle, it's almost as if he needs to tighten his grip on my arm…all I want is to get to where Edward is waiting for me.

Finally, my father places my hand in Edward's, whispering that he loves me and is glad I've found happiness again as he does so.

Much of the ceremony and what the priest says fades away in the background, as all I can focus on is Edward, and the loving look in his eyes.

I hope he can see the same in mine.

Before I know it, our "I Do's" are said, and the priest is presenting us to everyone as Mr. and Mrs. Edward Cullen.

The reception back at the house is wonderful.

The night is spent celebrating and dancing, before Edward and I head off for our week long honeymoon in Ireland.

Eventually the night winds down, and the limo arrives to take us to the airport.

We say our goodbyes and climb in, waving to everyone as we drive off.

Edward holds me close as we head towards the airport.

"I love you Mrs. Cullen," he whispers as he gently kisses me.

"I love you too Mr. Cullen"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: A picture of Bella's wedding dress is up on the blog: lvtwilight09fanfiction(dot)blogspot(dot)com**


	100. Chapter 100

**5 years later**

Life is good.

Life is wonderful.

I never thought that losing you seven years ago would ultimately lead me to the greatest happiness of my life.

I've been so blessed.

I have my loving husband.

I have my two beautiful daughters.

Eva is seven now, and so incredibly smart, and Cassidy is five, and absolutely loving kindergarten and the karate classes we started her in, even though we have to tell her it's not okay to practice on her siblings.

And I have my adorable two year old twin boys, Paxton and Peter.

They are the spitting image of their father…and just like you and Edward…they have the penny colored hair and are identical…except for the eyes.

Paxton's are blue and Peter's are green.

Emmett and Rose are doing well too; they have a four year old little boy named Declan and a three year old little girl named Julia.

Alice and Jasper are great as well. Their son Oliver just turned four, and their second son, Thomas is due next month.

Things with my parents are better than ever, and they love that I've given them so many grandchildren.

They, along with your parents want more, but for now, Edward and I are quite content with our bustling brood of four.

We've made sure that Eva knows about you…although we've never made mention of Charlotte…maybe when she's older we'll broach that conversation.

As angry as I was all those years ago when everything happened, and then when the truth of the things you had done came out…I'm thankful to you.

I needed to learn how to let go, and you taught me that…you showed me how to leave it all behind and open up to all the wonderful things that life had in store for me.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Pics for the chapter are on the blog: lvtwilight09fanfiction(dot)blogspot(dot)com**

**I just want to take this moment to thank each and every one of you who have read, rec'd, and reviewed this story. It has truly been one of my favorites to write, and it's a bit bittersweet seeing it end. I hope you all have enjoyed where I've left Bella and Twinward…it seemed a fitting place to end it. **

**Now for a few little last minute reminders…**

**First, keep this story on alert. There is still one final posting which will happen on April 20****th****, and that is the Evan POV outtake that was donated to the Flight for Bobby compilation.**

**Second, while this story is now finished *mega sad face*…the EPOV of it – Holding On To Hope – is far from over. It will continue posting once a week until June 1****st****, when it's posting frequency will increase. **

**And finally, I have plenty of plot bunnies in my head, so there will be much more writing from me in the future, so be sure to put me on author alert if you're interested.**

**Thanks again for reading.**

**Till next time,**

**Stephanie**


	101. Evan POV Outtake

**A Flight For Bobby Compilation**

**Learning to Let Go – Evan POV Outtake**

**By: lvtwilight09**

**Rating: M**

**Disclaimer: Twilight…I don't own it *sad panda***

**A/N: Many thanks to Massy and Cat for pre reading for me... Love ya both! Okay, so I was planning on posting this on April 20th, but I found out it's okay to post it now, so I thought you'd all like this sooner rather than later. **

* * *

><p>I've gotten myself in such a mess.<p>

I never should have started the affair…or let it go on for as long as it did.

I mean, I already have everything I need at home.

Bella is a beautiful, loving wife.

She's everything I could have every asked for.

We've always been happy together.

Our relationship was always easy as breathing.

We're planning on starting a family…which is why this affair needs to end, and Bella needs to never find out.

Bella said the ovulation test said she was ready today.

And could anything be more perfect than starting to build our family on Valentine's Day…the most romantic day of the year.

Maybe it's not so romantic for Charlotte, but I don't want a life with her…even if she is pregnant.

She told me a few months back, when she found out.

She thought having my child would make me leave my wife for her…fall in love with her.

She underestimated me though…I may have been stupid in pursuing her in the first place…excited by the thrill of doing something forbidden…lusting after what I shouldn't want, especially sinceI never loved her.

It was a physical attraction for me, nothing more, and I made sure to never make her think otherwise.

When she first told me she was pregnant I told her she needed to give me time to figure out what I was going to do.

She immediately thought that translated into my finding a divorce lawyer and proposing to her.

I told her it wouldn't happen, but she wouldn't listen.

I tried considering how I could make things work where I could still be in the child's life and keep my marriage to Bella intact, but more and more Charlotte was mentioning us being a couple, getting married, moving into a big house together and having a family our own.

More and more she would mention those stupid wedding shows on TLC, she'd keep wedding magazines scattered around her apartment, and every time we would go out and walk past a jewelry store she'd always comment on the engagement rings.

She just didn't understand that I didn't want any of that with her.

So I had to take more aggressive steps.

I never wanted to abandon my child, but for the sake of keeping my marriage intact, of preserving my life with Bella, I would make that sacrifice…it would kill me to do it, but I guess it's my punishment for what I've done anyway.

Which is why I went to see Charlotte today…to say goodbye and end things for good…

"_I'm ending this now Charlotte…I can't do this anymore. I have a wife, who I love…who loves me despite how horrible a human being I may be for the things I've done."_

"_But…the baby...the baby needs a father. I can't do this on my own," she cries._

"_Then I suggest you find a new father for the baby, because it won't be me. I love my wife. We're trying to build a family of our own…a family that doesn't involve you or that child inside you. As for doing on your own…I'm sure you'll be fine, plenty of women all over the country are single mothers and do just fine. Besides…how do I know this kid is even mine?" _

_My words are harsh I know, but…I don't see any other way to make her understand. I try to tune out her sobs and pleading. I need to just end this quickly and get out of here. I'm supposed to pick up Bella soon. I'm taking her out to a romantic dinner for Valentine's Day._

"_Evan! This baby is yours. I haven't been with anyone else. I _love_ you. I want us to have a life together…be a family."_

_I can tell nothing of what I'm saying is getting through…that I need to go for the low blow and just take the kill shot…just end it and get out._

"_Well I don't love you Char! I never did," I shout. "This was only ever a fling for me…an easy lay that became far too complicated and went on for far too long. I should have ended this months ago. I don't want this child. I want nothing to do with it. Once it's born I'll file papers giving up my parental rights, and after that…I want nothing to do with you or it again."_

_My words reverberate off the walls of her apartment, mixing with her crying. I turn a deaf ear to it all, toss my copy of her key at her crumpled form on the floor and storm out._

I feel bad for what I said…not that I didn't mean any of it, but I shouldn't have been so harsh. My mother raised me better…taught me to treat women better than that. She also taught me to honor my promises, and I clearly hadn't done that in respect to my wedding vows to Bella, but I'm hoping today is where I can start over.

I keep telling myself that it's over and that Bella never needs to know…it does nothing to assuage the guilt that is eating me alive though.

As I enter the freeway, I pull my phone out to send a text to Bella to let her know I'm on my way to pick her up.

Just as I'm about to hit send, the jarring force of an impact forces the phone from my hand as the sound of metal hitting metal echoes in my ears.

Everything starts getting hazy, my head feels wet, my arms won't move and it's difficult and painful to breathe.

People are shouting everywhere, telling me that help is on the way.

I don't understand what's happening until I finally manage to get a glimpse of my surroundings…there's a huge eighteen wheeler being backed away from my car.

My car! I try to figure out what happened…by the way my legs feel pinned down and the pain that is radiating throughout my body, I suspect that truck hit me head on.

The firemen are here, they're using something to pry me out of the car.

I feel so sleepy…I just want to close my eyes, but there's one EMT who won't shut up about me staying awake.

I'd love to see him try to do that while feeling how I do right now.

Eventually I feel them put something around my neck and then pull me out of the car.

The board they strap me to is so cold…or maybe that's just me, I feel like I'm freezing.

I can barely tell when they put me into the ambulance; the EMTs are screaming all sorts of things that I don't understand.

I just want to go home and be with Bella and pretend like today never happened.

Something tells me though that I may not get to go home again, and the idea of never getting to see Bella again kills me.

Does she know how much I love her…how much I regret what I've done with Charlotte?

Have I told her enough how much she means to me?

Will she be okay without me?

I hope she'll be able to move on…find happiness…find someone who is truly deserving of her and won't throw away the gift that she is the way I did.

If I could just see her one more time…see one more smile…give her one more kiss…

"Bella!" I cry out, the tears streaming down my face.

I can tell this is it for me…it's so hard to breathe…

"Bel..la," I gasp out again, because all I want right now is her.

I think the EMTs realize there isn't much they can do for me.

I feel one of them take my hand…they kind of look like Bella…brown hair and a kind smile.

"Be…Bella…love you…" I finally manage to whisper.

My grip on the EMT's hand slackens and my hand flops against the floor.

I try to breathe, but no air comes.

I'm so tired…I can't fight anymore…the beeping machines are so loud.

I let my eyes close and feel everything fade away.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So...how do you all feel about Evan now? Hate him more? Hate him less? Let me know... Next posting related to this story will be on April 25 when i post the next few chapters in EPOV in Holding On To Hope...**


End file.
